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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

i dont know what to think.
random fleeting thoughts came and went, come and go.
my thoughts are barely coherent, i have no idea how to frame them.
as for now, i am simply allowing them to rampage through my mind.
i am a jumble of mixed emotions.
sadness, being the most prevalent of all.
no surprise there, actually, seeing as it has become the equilibrium..

we had a chat with Mdm Nur today, she's leaving at the end of this week.
it was...... (inability to phrase sentence), but it brought with it a whole new wave of sadness, like a tidal wave of immense strength crashing against the shore..
i was always quick to move on, because goodbyes are mere pit- stops; the start of a new chapter in the continuous process of learning about life, about the world around us.
i thought i was strong enough to bid another person goodbye.
i expected to be like my usual self- laugh it off and welcome new characters in my play.
truth is: one never moves on, one simply gets used to it.
sooner or later, i'd get used to this absence.
the absence of a beloved teacher, friend, and guide.
time doesn't heal.
ultimately, the tidal wave will retreat back into the ocean.
it may take a while for the swollen water to subside,
it may leave behind irreparable damage.
but the ocean will generously accept the tidal wave back into its midst;
back where it belongs.

after arduous efforts and long anxious moments, i finally watched the season finale of House.(fucking sad)
it dredged up questions that have been ever- present in every nook and cranny of my mind.
firstly: how much are you willing to sacrifice for a friend.? (perhaps you'd first like to question your own definition of a friend)
i truly deplore all those cutthroat bitches that turn their backs on a friend in a mere fraction of a second without even looking back.
how can one allow a friend of many years to become foe in a matter of seconds, worse still, because of some lamebrain reason.?
all these years i've spent with you as a friend.. do they even matter.?

secondly: despite leading a seemingly relatively good life... why am i miserable not very happy.?

perhaps i am alone in this pity party. (look at other people in the world! look at the victims of the earthquake in china! how dare you complain!)
i know, one shouldn't wallow in self- pity.

well, i'm branching out from self- loathing and self- destruction.
dont hate me.

she's not here @

8:36 PM