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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

"The words
frozen. The creatures frozen. The plum sauce
leaking out of the bag. Explaining will get us nowhere.
I was away, I don’t know where, lying on the floor,
pretending I was dead. I wanted to hurt you
but the victory is that I could not stomach it. We have
swallowed him up, they said. It’s beautiful. It really is."

i cannot recall what i had in mind to blog about, so i shall proceed to my (endless) whimsical (incoherent) babbling.

chat with grandma(paternal), cousin, drey, aunt jen, uncle alson butting in occasionally, dad at later parts last saturday taught/reminded me about a thing or two.

tear glistened in my grandma's eyes as she spoke to me about how we have to cherish life and every opportunity to study.. it seems a very cliched thing for grandparents to tell their grandchildren, but i learned only then that my grandma's dad was killed in a hit-and-run (a van collided with the motorcycle he was riding) when she was only 9 and my heart went out to her. especially because in the past, families slog their butts off for a measly wager and men were typically the breadwinners. my grandma had to quit school(she was intelligent, and a very diligent student) since her mother was too ill to work so they had no money, and started working at 13years- old to feed her four younger brothers..
life has been pretty rough on her.. i love my grandma very very much:) i imagined her death once and it shocked me into tears.

i also learned the truth behind an incident regarding my grandma's old neighbour. i still remember that night we were huddled in my grandma's room, windows shut door shut, hush, hush, the adults moving in hurried, frantic steps, whispers whimpers the little children cannot know of what is happening, we cannot interrupt when the grown ups are speaking. i should not disclose it here, but it was very sad. a brilliant mind destroyed by madness.. (Ginsberg reference unintended)

my mother told me quite nonchalantly that she had two miscarriages before me. ("oh my god are you serious.?", "yes i am, that's why i want your sister to drink these herbal things to strengthen her womb since she's been getting cramps during her periods but she wouldn't listen she never listens")
maybe that is why i was daddy's precious girl, but how her heart must have spilled onto the floor when she saw that i wouldn't speak, wouldn't call out to her, wouldn't laugh and play like my endearing sisters. i wouldn't return her affection, i shied away from the warmth of her soft dry palms every time she tried to hold my hand. i know now what an admirable woman my mother is, and i will spend my entire life making it up to her..

she's not here @

12:37 AM