Crush

Monday, November 23, 2009

hello.
i havent been here in a long time, because i lost my laptop.
i've come to terms with it, although i still cannot forgive myself
i probably never will.
it's been a month and my parents are unsuspecting.. (this allows me to ponder myself silly if i could save enough money to replace my lost laptop before they discover, but a quick risk assessment tells me it's an idiotic idea because i would need a few years.)

i should account for my time since 10 November.

OP went brilliantly, my group was brilliant all of us except the Q&A was a little bumpy.
mah jong+bridge at sheena's right after, where all my luck diffused across the table to wei ren and it got sickening... we fell asleep by witching hour.

afterwards, there is a big blank in my memory(i get these) but since i lost my laptop, part of the scheme was to avoid behaving furtively and so i spent all my time at home pouring over books books books.
i got my library card made, sleek piece of plastic with rounded edges that 'plonked' out from the e-kiosk...
in two weeks i read:
Engelby by Sebastian Faulks
Sputnik Sweetheart by Haruki Murakami
Crush Richard Siken(i ordered this from kino and it finally arrived!)
Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll

Currently reading:
A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami

i also keep a notebook now, to jot down my thoughts and questions.
writing keeps me sane, though i admit that i am by no measure eloquent and am severly limited in my expression..

i feel like i have finally caught up with myself, like my mind has finally aligned itself with my soul.
it's a tranquil feeling, although part of being me is that i sometimes suspect i'm vanishing, like in Looking- Glass Land, where people look right through me and my movements become gusts of mischevious wind.
i am also trying hard to keep my hair on my head, trying hard to suppress a scream, trying hard to look ahead and not down at the minute pixels of assorted buildings from the freakish height of which my tightrope is elevated. as much as i fit my shoes, my life is still a labyrinth hybrid with Hogwarts' shifting stairs. i inch forward precariously, careful not to get too absorbed with the mesmerizing view. it's hard, though, and so i always fuck up.

during the period of my online absence, i've done so much yet so little, thought of so much yet of nothing at all. but from now i will have to start on schoolwork(:<) and so end my lax lifestyle..

Unkle Bob sings in my head.
i see you, you see me, differently
you tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again

"I'm taking a chance on the wind. I'm packing all my bags
Making a mistake i gotta make and i am glory-bound."

she's not here @

2:32 PM