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Monday, July 26, 2010

I'm beginning to feel like I might have lost a sibling. There's like an unspoken agreement to avoid the subject, and no one really brings up the topic in front of my dad. Is this how Sheena feels like as an only-child? Except I know a reality otherwise and now I can't get used to the lack of FaceTime. I feel absurdly helpless and inadequate. I feel like back in GoldCoast when I was trying so hard to grab a handful of sand but I just couldn't because it was so fine and sneaky and impossible, and I ended up squatting there for ages my head spinning my feet numb. It was a complete vertigo.

I get scared sometimes by my own inexplicable changes in mood, the cyclical feelings of high and low. I think of the number of times in a day, and how rapidly I experience these mood changes and honestly i feel quite frightened. It's just so manic and abnormal, but where can i find the manual the reprogram my mind? No one taught me anything. I notice my blogposts reflect this too. I'm writing more now because I got the blogwriter app on itouch, everything is so handy these days (good job Steve Jobs ha ha,).... And saturated. That's such a great word.

I'm beginning to abandon all hopes of me ever normalizing, which is why I can be so sure that the future for me is a blank and loveless one. Now one can start to debate if such a future is still worth living? I don't expect anyone to be able to keep up with me because no one can deal with the cyclone of emotions that I am. It's damaging and inexorable and i wish it for no one.

she's not here @

1:42 AM