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Thursday, August 19, 2010

Hmm I am bored. And did I mention sad?
I digress from work way too easily. It's not that I don't have the heart to study, it's just that I tend to let my emotions get a stranglehold on me. I know, I know, that now is not a good time for these things, but it is only too easy to speak about priorities and self-control, especially when the subject matter at hand is one's emotions, that are simply irrational and beyond the typical realm of logical processes. I might also like to clarify (lest you should begin to make baseless conjectures) that I am not suffering from a "broken heart", rather, a broken soul. I AM suffering from a number of damaged relationships, and admittedly they are taking a huge toll on me. But my sadness ultimately stems from my own self, my soul in protest about it's too passive host. My inefficiency in finding my soul a spiritual guardian is perhaps the reason for this internal conflict.. So I guess I only have myself to blame. But with no one to guide me and also other factors (such as my godless parents), how am I to begin? Say, then, that I'm insincere and don't try hard enough. Deep down I don't deny it, because I secretly am unable to reconcile my spiritual need with my existentialist mind. So am I supposed to forgo the latter in subservience to religion, or am I to find a religion that caters to my type? Till someone answers this question for me, I can only surrender to my turmoil... But then again. I suspect that I use my spiritual thirst too often to mask the true root causes which may simply be something like loneliness, agitation towards the lack of a true soulmate, or an innate masochistic streak. An insatiable desire for pain and sadness such that I prevent myself from being happy. This I fear the most, because it's so warped, and how can I defend myself when I am my own enemy?

she's not here @

11:58 PM