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Tuesday, May 15, 2012

great night catching up with old friends again, as always, gratitude for having these people in my life and for them choosing to keep me in theirs..
amazed at how far we've come, recollecting our best decisions in life, pondering our 'futures'.
makes me feel well sorted, like in the midst of chaos i at least have good things going on for me- good friendships, people that i will fight for with my bones. a direction to head towards, happiness in work.
it helps to form mental images of a plausible future, to say things like "it would my goal to do this and that, and we could all sit around a table like this and be awesome together..."

 flipping pages of history in my head to spot marked changes in me.

 it feels like i have grown older, grown quiet. quiet but not calm. i would like to know that i have 'grown' over the years, that i am even a little closer to being adjusted...
yet simultaneously i still feel like the same person with the same blackhole residing within, ever so conscious of my expiration date, chock-full of ugliness.
one day i will find a way to communicate the things that seem important to me
one day i will release this darkness and inner tension by moving the chaos in my heart into my art
one day i will promise myself this

she's not here @

3:39 AM