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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

This holiday will be a predictable repetition of previous ones, characterized by the formation of hopeful plans that never crystallize and recognition that this lack of motivation is a mark of a failure. i have enough experience to argue with anyone who say that 'being self-aware is better than being ignorant', because while the ignorant cannot be blamed and is therefore innocent (via merely a victim of his own lack), the self-aware who does not act upon his knowledge is in every way guilty. Furthermore, awareness that does not eventually lead to positive changes only causes inner torment, precisely because he knew. Perhaps it is from this conflict that came the phrase 'ignorance is bliss'; yet this is a wistful statement coined by a conflicted man who would rather stand the pain and anguish that certain knowledge could bring than to ever settle as a happy fool.

Things i planned to do this summer:
finish driving course
get a job
learn rhino
improve other software skills
read all my design books
read all my books
draw/paint something
write something
go overseas

Things i have done so far:
get a job

I always tell others to celebrate the victories and swallow the regrets- that is, after licking it with every taste bud. Remember that night we were smoking apples and drinking wine, and i told you about how i am always cautious towards feeling any form of happiness that i dare not celebrate my victories. That was the first time i shared anything like this with anyone because we are 'close' and you have earned the 'privilege' to know some of my secrets. You chided me saying that it's because i was a 'lil weirdo who liked this sadness' and i replied 'what, no. maybe you're right'. I suppose i was caught red-handed but i was glad i could finally talk about things that i guess are important to me and since then i look forward to your presence and love.

These little intervals are when you smile saying 'it's a good time to be alive', and i agree also smiling like i actually meant it.
Do you get it?
This is my affliction.

she's not here @

11:56 PM