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Monday, June 11, 2012

I woke up today, startled, more like shocked, eyes flying open to release a dam of tears. Blurred dizzy and disoriented, it took my eyes two seconds to swivel my mind a hundred and eighty degrees, back onto the left side of the bed where i normally lie, back to where i was before my nightmare disarmed me. More seconds before i could stop my ribcage from shaking up more tears. It was strange, it felt so real, i can still remember its 'realness' while on the cusp of consciousness though now as i lie awake trying fervently i am unable to recall the exact sensation; my mind, now that it is lucid, raises a neat barrier to demarcate dreams|reality, to separate physical existence from mere impressions.

And yet, despite what my senses tell me are truly 'existing' such that i can differentiate 'place' and believe as a truth that i am not sleeping in my old bed, there is no one else here except me and audrey beside me, and logically deduce from the differences in this setting (i am not questioning that Time is linear here because that is how i experience it) that the present time has long embarked from the harrowing time in my dream...

In my mind where it has the power to ruffle up neatly folded white sheets of memories and shift me through them, the knowledge that 'Time is linear' has no practical relevance whatsoever when i am not actively trying to enforce it. As much as it is the operator of logical processes, the mind requires the body and it's inherent senses to tether it to what is real. Left to it's own device, everything is impression and there are no rules; there is no gravity, there are multiple points of gravity, gravity collapses into itself enfolding me into it's singularity, and before i could help myself i am hurtled into a black hole, a dark tunnel, reliving a different time, a mash up of 'times', and then it was not 'just a nightmare' but as real as Life. I am a barophobic. I wonder what brought on this episode this time.

she's not here @

2:08 PM