Crush

Saturday, May 31, 2008

"is it so difficult to accept that there may be a being thats superior to yourself.? you're just afraid, because if the world revolves around abstract rules, you can learn them and protect yourself. but if there is the existence of a superior being, he can squish you any time."
"my teachers are superior to me. a lot of people are superior to me. you dont see me worshiping them."
"be rational."
"religion is irrational. you cant have a rational argument about something irrational with someone irrational."
"you're just stubborn."
"its not that i'm stubborn. i dont have a problem with religion, i have a problem with the whole concept of believe. there's no reason to believe."
"you dont need a reason to believe. thats why its called believe."
"that's why i dont believe in anything."

k cheryl, stop all this talking with yourself.

Labels: does a dyslexic atheist not believe in dog?

she's not here @

3:48 AM

was watching barney yesterday (playhouse disney 11.30pm woohoo)
reminiscing those childhood days...
yes yes i grew up watching loads and loads of barney.
thats why i have a vivid imagination. :D
oh, i used to have a barney colouring book!
it was my favourite, too bad i hated, hate, and will always hate colouring. lol
so anw, was watching barney, and i realised that it felt to me now like a kids horror flick pimped up no doubt.
can you imagine dancing and singing in a room full of dinosaurs.??
worse, with outrageous colours...
how sick in the mind is that! zomg.
like savage creatures incognito, pretending to be all loving and friendly to gain trust and foster bonds so that unsuspectingly, when the fun has reached its climax, they begin to shed their purple green and yellow party skins and devour the little kids whole.
and all the joyful singing will turn into series of soprano screams before fading into a diminuendo of death's song in a minor key;
the last note lingering poignantly above the massacre, as the last of echoes resonate through the walls...

gosh. vivid imagination. *blames barney*

she's not here @

2:02 AM

Friday, May 30, 2008

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WARNING: self- absorbed rantings below. if you have a problem with my posts being too emo and would really like to lecture me on how immature i am but too bad i have no tagboard whatsoever, i highly suggest you either close you eyes now, or visit other websites like cottoncandy.com. thx
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my heart is hurting.
internal claustrophobia i think (in my body there is a blackhole. gravity pulls mass into core, collapsing into self, forming a singularity)
all your thoughtless words like daggers
pierce right through my chest.
"its just a trivial matter, right.? is there a need to over-react.."
sure, shift all the blame to me like you always do.
its always my fault, i never understand.
trivial.
and even after you're done trashing me
even after i concede defeat
you wouldnt even allow me to crawl back into solitude
to seek my teeniest bit of solace.
you accuse me of having a huge ego
fuck you who's the one.
prideful, arrogant bastard.
***
& you...
i honestly cant tell you how much it hurts
but i cant bring myself to tell you yes i want you there so bad..
i cant possibly be this selfish,
already i cant thank you enough for being so kind.
and of course i know i've always known:
in this world full of selfish people,
being selfless is slow suicide.
i can already feel this play unwind.

i know how it ends now.

she's not here @

12:21 AM

Thursday, May 29, 2008

apple of my eye
apple of discord
apple bottom jeans
edward applehand
willy wonka and the apple factory
guns n' apples
apples for a future

apples apples apples
this is a completely pointless post. :D
(apart from the point that apples are oh-so-important)

she's not here @

1:09 PM

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

we thought we knew each other
in fact we never did
but we kept up the false pretenses
and continued to deceive the world
each day we met
we pretended to be who we think each of us want
this routine continued, till one fine day,
we grew weary of this lie
and we are no longer able to ignore our differences
many times i've tried, to introduce me to you
turns out to be that you will never be ready to accept me for who i am.
the chasm widens by the fault line
a earsplitting crack, a massive shake
all the buildings precariously stacked (with a weak foundation to begin with)
crumble.
repercussions....
and more repercussions.
what was once there, is now reduced to debris.
we started the earthquake
and the victims are ourselves

but lets pick up the pieces, clear the mess
and continue with this charade
we're so good at it anyway.
no one will know, no one can guess...

she's not here @

3:23 PM

Sunday, May 25, 2008

we're all stars now
Orion straddled the curtain black
the moon donned its seductive white dress
a planet skimmed off its silver and collided into space
completing the final act-
in the dope show

she's not here @

1:47 PM

Saturday, May 24, 2008

i'd kill myself to make everybody fade.

she's not here @

12:56 AM

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Mdm Nur: " cheryl, how do you make new friends.?"
Me: " ha ha.. actually, i'm very bad at making new friends.."
Mdm Nur: " yeah.. me too."
Er Yu: " Mdm Nur, just be yourself!"
Me: " Ha, no one wants to know who you are!"
Mdm Nur: "yeah."

:(

i better start waking up my idea soon. someone slap me!

she's not here @

8:24 PM

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

i dont know what to think.
random fleeting thoughts came and went, come and go.
my thoughts are barely coherent, i have no idea how to frame them.
as for now, i am simply allowing them to rampage through my mind.
i am a jumble of mixed emotions.
sadness, being the most prevalent of all.
no surprise there, actually, seeing as it has become the equilibrium..

we had a chat with Mdm Nur today, she's leaving at the end of this week.
it was...... (inability to phrase sentence), but it brought with it a whole new wave of sadness, like a tidal wave of immense strength crashing against the shore..
i was always quick to move on, because goodbyes are mere pit- stops; the start of a new chapter in the continuous process of learning about life, about the world around us.
i thought i was strong enough to bid another person goodbye.
i expected to be like my usual self- laugh it off and welcome new characters in my play.
truth is: one never moves on, one simply gets used to it.
sooner or later, i'd get used to this absence.
the absence of a beloved teacher, friend, and guide.
time doesn't heal.
ultimately, the tidal wave will retreat back into the ocean.
it may take a while for the swollen water to subside,
it may leave behind irreparable damage.
but the ocean will generously accept the tidal wave back into its midst;
back where it belongs.

after arduous efforts and long anxious moments, i finally watched the season finale of House.(fucking sad)
it dredged up questions that have been ever- present in every nook and cranny of my mind.
firstly: how much are you willing to sacrifice for a friend.? (perhaps you'd first like to question your own definition of a friend)
i truly deplore all those cutthroat bitches that turn their backs on a friend in a mere fraction of a second without even looking back.
how can one allow a friend of many years to become foe in a matter of seconds, worse still, because of some lamebrain reason.?
all these years i've spent with you as a friend.. do they even matter.?

secondly: despite leading a ~~seemingly~~ relatively good life... why am i ~~miserable~~ not very happy.?

perhaps i am alone in this pity party. (look at other people in the world! look at the victims of the earthquake in china! how dare you complain!)
i know, one shouldn't wallow in self- pity.

well, i'm branching out from self- loathing and self- destruction.
dont hate me.

she's not here @

8:36 PM

Sunday, May 18, 2008

superman on an aeroplane

(i forgot the name of this band) love the lights:)

she's not here @

5:13 PM

Friday, May 16, 2008

glaciersmeltinginthedeadofnightsuperstarssuckedintothesupermassive-

chemically- induced sleep.

(oh gosh cant wait for House season finale part two!!! *dies*)

she's not here @

12:06 AM

Thursday, May 15, 2008

YEY. i bought three new books!
thank you Ms Teh for printing a stack of Borders 30% discount vouchers for me.
ha ha greatly appreciated.
i lurv buying new books. i lurv reading them more!
only problem: when i buy too many books at the same time, i tend to lose interest quickly while reading one because i cant wait to read the other books sitting at home.
LOLgeezez. ^^
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what do our souls feed on.?
how do we keep our souls alive.?

while we often escape from our souls or allow our souls to die,
perhaps our souls should have a right to escape from us in order to survive.
its amazing how you can be a total shithead and your soul still wants to hang out with you.
souls ought to have the legal right to bail out once you cross certain behaviour thresholds.
where does your soul draw the line.?
and where do you draw the line.?
it is commonplace for you to contradict your soul.
but because our souls are more passive and do not own an individual voice, our decisions overwrite that of our souls. we are in control of our body, but sometimes we act against our inner wishes.

our souls quietly die.

Imagine all the souls in the world out on the sides of highways,
at bus stops,
in the subways....
all of them hitchhiking to try to find new better places to live, all of them holding attractive signs designed to lure you into selecting them as a passenger.
....... i tell jokes!
........i can sew!
........i know Marilyn Manson!

40% of me does not deserve a soul another 40% doesnt want a soul, yet i still have one.
i know because sometimes it hurts.

she's not here @

6:55 PM

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

it dawned on me a few years ago that everybody, at some point of time, pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives.
no matter how rich,
no matter how popular,
no matter how famous,
no matter how beautiful...
past a certain period of time, they suddenly decide that they want out.
they dont want to be who they are anymore.
life became meaningless.
like the guitarist of the band Police: superstardom sickened him, music was his passion but it lost its meaning. and so did his life, for that matter, once passion was lost.
This list includes Johnny Depp, Kiera Knightley, the cast members of Scrubs, Alice in Wonderland, space shuttle astronauts and snuffleupagus.
its universal.
do you want out.?
"Universal" is such a great word.
when you're going through crap and feeling bitter,
at least you know that you're like everybody else.
okay strike that.
how about: at least you know you're in the family of man, and that your experience is universal.
even people borne with a silver spoon in their mouths go through crap.
not being able to wander the streets alone, not having the freedom to make their own friends,
having to be mindful of their every word and action all the time.
its tiring and honestly, all the things they've missed and will be missing. :D

we know we live in a world of cynical bitter cranks.
its awesome to be a tiny insignificant speck sometimes.
i dont belong here, how did it come to this.

Labels: leave the world behind

she's not here @

9:09 PM

Thursday, May 08, 2008

its easy to spot lovers, or someone in love.
(if we daresay we actually know what love is)
and i meant "in love", not some falsified puppy love shit or infatuation.
people in love have this thing called inner-glow.
its a radiance that exudes from the inner recesses of their hearts, bringing with it a palpable sense of aliveness and happiness.
every action he/she does is fuelled with(no, not magic) purpose,
and there is a newfound strength residing within; every setback seems bearable.
envious is everyone who sees and feels a person in love, and sometimes jealousy rears its ugly head.

now this reminds me of a couple chantal and i met, that had been the subject of digression during a train ride last night.
this particular couple were both of the same gender and, obviously, sexual orientation.
they were standing right next to us, and their public display of affection was utterly disturbing...
not only because they were a pair of lesbians and "his" face was honestly ooglay,
but also because (according to chantal i paraphrase) "he" looks at her like she's a piece of succulent steak "he" was itching to jump on her and devour her whole. Z-O-M-G.
i think we fostered mutual hate. :D
are they even truly in love.?

what is love.
will we ever be able to comprehend it.?

love is big word, crafted for the big hearts.

she's not here @

9:33 PM

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

i hate celebrating my birthday.
going out for a meal is okay, but can the melodramatic customary family thing: cakes and candles, make a wish. bahh.
i can practically feel the palpable false niceness rolling off you guys.(if you're thinking: "hey is she talking about me.?" high chance NO i'm not dont think so much)
dont you know yet.?
you cant just fuck me up three days before my birthday, wake up the next day feeling all guilty for almost killing me then try to make up for it, pretend nothing ever happened.
its not going to work, hypocrites.
your saccharine niceness makes me shiver and retch.
& nothing's gonna change.
in a few days, the frailty or perhaps defect of the human mind will cause you to forget the preceding events and
go on, the cycle repeats.
dont you know yet.?
this isnt the first time; force of habit.
so the best that you guys can do is to
drop the false pretenses and leave me alone.
***
on a lighter note,
a BIG THANK YOU to all who bothered to send me a text message wishing me a happy sixteenth birthday. :)))
surprise, surprise,
the people who bothered, especially those who sent at the exact moment of 11.59/12.00mn
were least expected. :D
but honestly, they came as a pleasant surprise and were extremely heart-warming.(yknow, warm and fuzzy.) ha ha.
a BIG THANK YOU to ly khai jolyn deb halimatul for the awfully chocolate-y cake, "pretty" plates, tic tac, puff puff, and for erm... riding your bicycles. :D
a BIG THANK YOU to da arters for spending half my birthday with me, tolerating my idiosyncrasies, SINGINGZZZ and utterly insane behaviour; jedi for the lovely hug, EH CHANTAL WHERE MY KISSIE. hahaha
a BIG THANK YOU to jedi and chantal, subway(citylink actually) was insanely AWESOMEZZ.
lastly, a BIG THANK YOU to all who bothered with presents esp. debbie that was unexpected. haha.

well. loads of lurvvvvvv, guys! <3!

she's not here @

12:36 AM

Saturday, May 03, 2008

k i must be immortal i cant be killed.
that or maybe i'm already dead.

"Ah, whom can we ever turn to in our need?
Not angels, not humans, and already the knowing animals are aware
that we are not really at home in our interpreted world."

"Is it any less difficult for lovers?
But they keep on using each other to hide their own fate.
Don't you know yet?
Fling the emptiness out of your arms into the spaces we breathe;
perhaps the birds will feel the expanded air with more passionate flying."

"And being dead is hard work and full of retrieval before one can gradually feel a trace of eternity.
Though the living are wrong to believe in the too-sharp distinctions which
they themselves have created."

"Angels (they say) don't know whether it is the living they are moving among, or the dead."

- Rainer Maria Rilke, Duino Elegies (extracted)

she's not here @

2:55 PM