Monday, August 31, 2009
it's like i'm holding my breath underwater
although i admit i kind of like it when i do
i missed baybeats for studying.
i missed baybeats for studying.
i fucking missed baybeats for studying.
it's not about being in the "scene"; i deeply long to experience something different from this rut that i'm stuck in, something awe-inspiring(since i missed fireworks on national day i've been waiting dying to feel awe-struck), something. just something.
something like baybeats. a walk in King Albert park. whatever
i heard this year was good..? i'll go search for the bands.. x_x
and i truly regret not meeting up with several teachers this teachers' day.. i was especially looking forward to chatting with a couple of teachers, i seriously needed a balancing of perspective from wiser people. Ms Poon, Mr Sng(whom i think have forgotten me), Mdm Er, Ms Teh, Mrs Chia et cetera... i miss you alllll:(((
i was nearing school when i heard most teachers have left. extremely disappointing..
on a brighter note: chilling with my darhlings was ahhsumz!!!
we all wore the cedar uniform, met chan ros cat at The Cathay also in cedar uniform! chan so happy to see youuuuuuu<33333
cam-whored, YMCA-ed, laughed like shitloadssss oh my god ha ha i swear i luv ly deb khai halimatul jolyn(in no particular order)!!! NOSES. HA HA HA(inside joke:P) i am never going to let you girls forget the stupid times! The Proposal was HILARIOUS, expectedly predictable but still exceedingly feel-good nonetheless. mmhmmm once again laughing hystericallll... dinner @ swensens ion orchard, failed surprise("oh i'm sorry we don't have anymore candles..." "........") but khairiah you know we love youuuu!!! Happy Burpday in advance, dearest!
ha ha eck danial! what is our problem.?
what exactly is my problem...?
i just feel like ripping out my heart, tearing apart my flesh.. welling oozing sparkling garnet breathe, breathe, drown, drown
she's not here @
10:11 PM
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Bylaauraa@Deviantart
she's not here @
3:01 AM
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Cause you can't jump the track
we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
so cradle your head in your hands
and breathe, just breathe
some songs like this just hit the nail on its head. painfully, i might add.
i think i feel better now(ha ha ironic), after just laying my head in folded arms slumped against the railing of my tenth floor corridor, the chill breeze gently caressing my face, with the world in front of me unblocked by high-rise buildings...
(i hope no one is watching me)
my eyes sweep across the vast expanse:
(ignore the jarring highway)
i can almost see the curvature of the earth..!
(*grimace* the hills have shaved sides now)
focus on the trees, the greys in the skies.
nature has a calming effect..
(machinery in the distance, menacing tractors)
focus on the people walking by.
look, there's a family threading into the field and they look happy.
'Daddy' is taking something out from the car boot; are they going to fly a kite..?
(.... remote-controlled plane......)
fine i'm going home.
i need to learn to silence my mind.
(impossible)
YA I KNOW.
random thought-exercise: macro-focus on individual persons from ten floors up. gradually scroll out, watch the "individual persons" decrease in size against the enlarging background, reduce to small dots, become a scattered spray of 'I's. realise the stark contrast of us human beings to the things we create; infrastructure, cement buildings. then look into the unrestrained wilderness..
we're so microscopic but we rule the world.
And like the sea
i'm constantly changing from calm to hell
Madness fills my heart and soul
as if the great divide could swallow me whole
she's not here @
6:45 PM
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
"I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or i can go mad by ricocheting in between."
-- Sylvia Plath
she says it all in these two sentences, neat and elegant, the sharp hesitance and denial from this dichotomy revealing her final (also dreadful) decision.
ONE-singular- month to promos!!!! *panics, cups face, runs around screaming*
what am i supposed to do when i am already irreparably exhausted by the end of a monday..? bleak, that is how the world looks, EVERYTHING; is weighed down by a film of sticky, heavy gloom that has descended earlier.. like falling into an oil spill, you are dripping with oil, it sticks to your skin and suffocates your pores, its asphyxiating, you swipe at it frantically but you cant quite get it off. its unnerving, seriously horribly unnerving.
oh my god. press on, on, on.
she's not here @
8:51 PM
Monday, August 24, 2009
i get so distracted
by some people's reactions
that i dont see my own faults
for what they are
for what they are
at times so self destructive
with no intent or motive
but behind this emotion
my sensible heart
my sensible heart
see i'm no king
i wear no crown
but desperate times they seem over now
but still i'm weakened somehow
and it tears me apart
it tears me apart
i hope to learn as time goes by
that i should trust what's deep inside
burning bright oh burning bright
my sensible heart
my sensible heart
my sensible heart
my sensible heart
City and Colours- my sensible heart
**thanks chantal for this awesome intro, amazing guy great acoustic soothing quiet with the voice of an angel, deep lyrics very haunting, reminds me of Anchor&Braille!!(have you gone to check him out..??)
how come your arms are not around me now?
i would wrap mine around you but i'm scared
she's not here @
12:43 PM
"... just imagine yourself lying on my chest, and i'm combing your hair with my fingers.."
this is the weight of your words. i still remember them-more significant ones- word for word; each word poignant, lingering, ricocheting off the hollow cavity that holds my mind, i know my mind is still there because every second i get nagging thoughts about you and they tug at my heartstrings, where is my mind?
*
chantallll!!! i'm glad you've made up your mind and found your "road less traveled", you sound psyched and i feel psyched for you:)))
she's not here @
12:24 AM
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The Time Traveler's Wife Movie trailer
adapted from the novel by Audrey Niffenegger, one of my favourite books!!!
Coming soon, some time this year.
be sure to catch it!!!
i am entirely pleased with the casts<333
cant waitttt
"he is always going where i cannot follow.."
one can only imagine how hollow she feels
she's not here @
1:18 PM
11
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. Can the heart escape? Does love even care? Snow falls as we dump the booth in the bay.
Suppose for a moment we are crowded around a pier, waiting for something to ripple the water. We believe in you. There is no danger. It is not getting dark, we want to say.
18
Two brothers: one of them wants to take you apart. Two brothers: one of them wants to put you back together. It's time to choose sides now. The stitches or the devouring mouth? You want an alibi? You don't get an alibi, you get two brothers. Here are two Jeffs. Pick one. This is how you make the meaning, you take two things and try to define the space between them. Jeff or Jeff? Who do you want to be? You just wanted to play in your own backyard, but you don't know where your own yard is, exactly. You just wanted to prove there was one safe place, just one safe place where you could love him. You have not found that place yet. You have not made that place yet. You are here. You are here. You're still right here.
24
You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you didn't even have a name for.
-- Richard Siken
she's not here @
1:17 AM
Thursday, August 20, 2009
recently, i feel a strong love for my ki homies..
our "crowbar cult", more like it. ha ha ha
our insane wisecracks and rated jokes, seriously, if anyone sits in one of our lessons, they would either 1)laugh along with us, 2) stare gaping in disbelief(you mean these are supposed to be our "smart" people..?? ha ha sorry) , 3) stare gaping in incomprehension.
we are majorly ordinary people, only slightly more skeptical and cynical, and full of bullshit. just like everyone else, we talk about school gossip, music, slaves, being fat/thin, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs(why do people band together ha ha), greek men and boys(and crowbars), and don't quote Nietzsche. most of us are mad enough to undertake the quest of Truth and contemplate the "Big" questions simply because of our utter disinterest towards current affairs. lazy, you see. thats why we get too "airy fairy" sometimes. ha ha ha
if any of you ki folks are reading this.... ;)
i feel fortunate to know this bunch of brilliant minds, and i absolutely enjoy our thursday free periods!! and our lessons of course, are mostly slack(we can afford to be because of our small number and the nature of mr wee), extremely intellectually stimulating and endlessly entertaining. referring to the strange ways some of us tend to fall asleep in and the consequences that result thenceforth. i hope we watch more cool movies.
ha ha much luv, guys<3
she's not here @
9:48 PM
*slaps self* snap out of it cheryl, snap out of your wallowing NOW!!!
she's not here @
12:47 AM
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Please, i beg to be elsewhere.
if only i live in the magical world of Enid Blyton, where beds can sprout wings at night, or be whisked off into a mystical world the likes of Alice in Wonderland("oh where do i go from here?").
this is my ugliest and most vulnerable moment.
right now, i am unable to appreciate the beauty of nature(i am only filled with disdain watching the clearing of foliage lining the river banks on my way to and from school), nor find appetite for the food patient in front of me. i find nothing appealing, even contracting my facial muscles require a conscious exertion of strength. as much as i "bask" in being melancholy, sometimes i am also bogged down by it; now i am overwhelmed, unable to disengage myself from this dead weight that is submerging my heart, unable to disentangle myself from this terrible mess that i'm making. and if i am apathetic, i am just as well dead.
we are alive and we are young.
yet, i am hardly bursting with the exuberance of youth nor leaping in sheer joy of being healthy and physically capable. it seems a challenge to scout for one teenager whom is not yet apathetic, cynical or jaded. everyone around me either looks like a drug addict, walks around with hypocritical efficiency or has such profound tiredness you can palpably sense life evaporating like gas escaping from a flask that hasn't been stoppered tight. i do not feel comforted that my sorrow is universal- and you ask me what do i know of sorrow; i have never been starved, i have never had no place to stay, none of my loved ones has died, i have never experience a war, i have not even broken a limb.. but how should you quantify or even begin to measure sadness.?- i rather find that contemplating this world sorrow is nauseating, like how vomiting makes you feel slightly less nauseous but staring at the fresh vomit or just inhaling its stale grotesque stench makes you throw right up again.
we are really quite the same as the dead soulless bodies rotting in the earth. stiff, filled with dreams and aspirations, and we yearn the same thing; that is to live (why?)
she's not here @
10:23 PM
Monday, August 17, 2009
Oh Lover, hold on
you dont know how hard i resist to kiss you each time we meet as i stare enthralled into your dazzling eyes and we smile and i smile with my eyes and your smile touches your eyes and i look into them and i stare into your soul and i think i see the most beautiful person in this world and i want you so much to know i want to hold you and tell you how much i love you by pressing my lips against yours in delight and i wish we would remain locked in this moment me and you and i am happy to be in here and now and just be laughing, laughing hysterical.
she's not here @
10:19 PM
Saturday, August 15, 2009
i just filed up all my notes. bio chem math ALL of them.
looking at the row of pretty ring files sitting on my shelf makes me happy,
it sounds so downplayed now because i am feeling bored. bored and ugly.
bored with no choice, because i have my first 'A' level paper this monday;
bio spa, nervous, i have only ever passed our school practicals once, so i have to study very hard for it now.
i have had almost wild urges to loiter in the night.
i still have it because it hasn't been sated yet, say hi to the constellations breathe in life.
a random teacher asked me in the canteen two days ago, "hi hello are you J1 or J2?"
"J1."
"i thought so. you look fresh."
"are you kidding me.?"
"you still dont look dead yet, no eye bags or dark circles..."
"you cant see them because i'm too tan."
scramble-walking across a large crossroad makes me feel prickly and bold
vulnerable and alive
she's not here @
10:10 PM
Friday, August 14, 2009
did some solid studying for a chem test today, must say it sure felt good to be utilizing my brains again! it sort of gives me a high to feel all focused and efficient, like heart pumping blood and adrenaline, eyes wide and bright, heightened alertness. rapid firing of thoughts(right thoughts), click, click, click, clicking time away, the expiry of each second amplified don't waste even a second now gone, gone, gone. and just knowing things and being able to do sums, to walk out of the lecture theatre after the test thinking it was quite 'ok' and manageable... it all gives me a strange sense of satisfaction, like there are things in my mind, people. thoughts are constantly swirling, lights flashing, electric. "zzzzztt!" there, another thought just sped across my mind, fresh and original. (:D)
/Ms Teh told me that i'll make a good artist because there're so many things going on in my mind that it becomes a web. i will pick something from this web to express about each time, and people will begin to anticipate my work. ha ha it is appealing to speculate on this prospect, however artists don't make good money and i honestly am unable to envision myself in any profession right now. hmm. once an artist always an artist..??
On a more serious note: 44 days to promos, we are so hard-pressed for time it becomes smothering... and i have the first four months to make up for. i have an urge to study very hard now. and i expect this feeling to take me through promos, hopefully(pray) also through next year.
LETS WERK HARD 2GETHERZZZ
she's not here @
9:55 PM
"Most people who bother with the matter at all would admit that the English language is in a bad way, but it is generally assumed that we cannot by conscious action do anything about it. Our civilisation is decadent, and our language- so the argument runs- must inevitably share in the general collapse. It follows that any struggle against the abuse of language is sentimental archaism, like preferring candles to electric light or handsom cabs to aeroplanes....
[...] It becomes ugly and inaccurate because our thoughts are foolish, but the slovenliness of our language makes it easier for us to have foolish thoughts."
- Why I Write by George Orwell
borrowed Sylvia Plath's unabridged journals from our school's library yesterday.
i love the way she writes, so honest, so real, so compelling.
i have harboured similar thoughts as she had: we brooded about the same things, found ourselves on the brink of social defficiency, mused about people and the world and far away places and rain and longing, are driven and inspired yet bogged down by our own sorrows, find beauty in everything we see, love...
but she expresses her thoughts and feelings so fluidly and easily, much better than i.
ha haaa... okay back to chem
she's not here @
12:37 AM
Monday, August 10, 2009
Chris Garneau- Black & Blue
Air-conditioning is cold,
summer's hot and love is old
I wish I was smaller,
a little creepy crawler.
There's lovers' sin in this town,
lovers cannot let down,
the summer's hot as hell here, you know,
if we think we can drink now,
we won't stop cause we don't know how,
it's cold, but we love
how it feels alright
I'll sweat it all out, you sweat a lot too
we heart the same, the same black and blue
ohh ohhhh , I wanna catch my death of cold
ohh ohhhhh , cause I'm scared I'm growing old
ohhh oh oh , don't return the love I gave
ohhhh oh oh, you're still my favourite
Troubles win in this town,
Troubles don't turn upside-down,
ohh - they shit on the last bit of fun
There's sin all around,
Lovers cannot let down,
and the winter wears and tears our bones.
There's a man in this town
he's shooting us down,
he thinks he's a big man but he doesnt know anything about us or anything at all.
At night he lies awake,
and his heart aches,
cause its cold - ohh ohh old,
he sweats it out all the night through,
then he throws up all over me and you.
ohh ohhh, I wanna catch my death of cold
ohhh ohhh, cause I'm scared of growin' old
ohh oh ohh, don't return the love I gave you
ohhh oh oh, you're still my favourite
("He could be perfect for you but he just couldn't love you" echoes)
she's not here @
10:19 PM
Sunday, August 09, 2009
i need to feel awe-struck.
i need something exciting and liberating, something that can lift my heavy-heart, something exquisite and majestic and grand, something i can immerse myself in wholly, something intricate and delicate and fierce and vibrant, something distant and nonchalant, something transcendent.
fireworks...?
or maybe just spangles of stars in an obsidian sky
she's not here @
5:01 PM
i stare at my own reflection in the mirror
examining my features down till the last detail;
every line, every crease grows increasingly alien and strange.
Thoughts on disappearance ensnare my mind
and i watch my own effacement
like a cloud's thinning presence at the wind's merciless hand
till i am no more than a quiver of your faint expired breath
she's not here @
1:28 PM
Saturday, August 08, 2009
i roused this morning eyelids heavy and drowsy, feeling spent and fatigued.
i knew this feeling too well.
instinctively, i rubbed my eyelashes and the crooks of my eye, freeing it from the cake that otherwise clamped it shut.
dim consciousness set in. i vaguely remember spending the wee hours of night -or morning i cannot recall- sobbing unceasingly, my shaken heart racking my ribcage, tears a constant stream down my cringed distorted face.
i had imagined you left me.
you're at airport T2 starbucks now, while i'll be frequenting the macdonald's a walk away from my house. we both realise that company while studying is counterproductive, we're done with study dates.
" We're pretty odd and pretty strong to be able to pull ourselves away from each other to completely focus, i think. :)" -me
"Haha we're just very mature and reasonable and uncompromising when it comes to our future.." -haneef
<3
she's not here @
2:25 PM
Friday, August 07, 2009
like a scared little kitten on the sidewalk abandoned by its mother
naked and vulnerable
vulnerable and exposed
exposed and alert
alert and frightened
frightened and naked
its it against the world
Labels: love with all i've got
she's not here @
7:04 PM
sleep, don't think
what on earth are we afraid of..?
what on earth are we so afraid of..??
we run into all sorts of trouble doing what we think is best.
we hold our tongues, because we know a moment of carelessness will be irreversible.
we hesitate and become reserved in an act of thoughtfulness.
we were taught to shut up.
it is this self-induced hypocrisy that lands us in crapholes whenever we slip up.
whatever are we so afraid of..?
promos in 55 days, no wonder we're all beginning to feel the heat.
come up for air once in a while..
people and dreams and places.
we are expected to be fully fledged in a year's time, forced to become mature, forced to grow up.
when we leave jc, if we survive it: what then..?
by now i thought i'd have drawn a big picture for myself, to have a larger sense of where i was heading to. i thought i'd be able to tell, if someone asks, what exactly i was doing in this world.
she's not here @
1:40 AM
Thursday, August 06, 2009
pw now, sheena and i(once again) have successfully sneaked-correction- walked out of the class and we once again find ourselves at the library with very valid reasons to be here of course, but with nothing better to do now than to blog.
it should only be unfortunate that i am so uninspired and unintelligent, the only worry on my mind now is how i am to attend floorball training without any gear whatsoever, my mother being unhelpful in this matter. but i feel strangely calm about this(it's as if i know it will settle itself without me fretting), while my mind is with my boyfriend who's currently trapped in the G.O having his parent-teacher meet-up session, oh puh-lease be over already so he can move on with life.
my time is sagging, its been such a soggy week. thank goodness friday is effectively a weekenddd... but we have so much e-learning to do tsk rants
sheena just told me LKY's english name is HARRY. whatthefuckkk..??! HA HA HA who's gonna take him seriously..
sheena roxxxxxxxxxx luvvvvvvvvvvv her k bye(self- aggrandisement srsly)
chin up, folks:)
she's not here @
10:03 AM
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Humans are the prime source of our emotional upheaval.
side the animals!! (and choose the kind ones please)
musing with sheena at the library today, now actually, stop pause ponder.
why do we do what we do...?
such queerness we should have to get used to.
ambivalence plagues our minds, we know what we want but we need the guts......
we turn out to be such cowards
buying time.
she's not here @
11:11 AM
