Monday, November 30, 2009
reading so much Murakami lately has me plunging into the hypnotic idea of a world parallel to ours (albeit laterally inverse). a separate existence, living a different life. i remember telling Drey when we were in Winter Time camwhore-ing with knit hats that i think my image in the mirror looks better than my actual image; the angle of my nose, my smile, the colors look more vivid... i even went on to say that i think i want to annihilate my existence in the real world and go live in the mirror.
it sounds freaky now.
which reminds me of a Korean (i think) movie i watched eons ago about two different worlds, two separate existence. your consciousness resides in the 'real' you. if you die in the real world, your consciousness switches to the 'mirror' you and you still live on in Looking-glass Land. if you die in mirror world, though, you cease to exist in the real world. the movie gets scary because a lady who was killed in the real world began looking for vengeance by traveling through mirrors to seek the man who killed her. it's a nightmarish concept, too dangerous to dabble with.
for months i flicked off the light-switch and flew to my bed.
watched New Moon TWICE in 6 hours. crazy, crazy. the first time was heartfelt, but it got pretty agonizing the second round. an alright movie... there were good effects and creative directing here and there (i.e. the months that went by reflected through same interior but different season outside the window, and hallucinations of edward). at least there were cute werewolves and a good soundtrack! i'm not going to lambaste it, because seriously, i don't think even Steven Spielberg could do a much better job. no amount of good directing can compensate for a stupid storyline.
i relate too much with fictional characters that it's possibly causing me to distant myself from real people. BUT, on the plus side: i still prefer to meet people organically (cool term from he's just not that into you) in this digital age. :) NOT retaliating because i lost my virtual portal!
she's not here @
2:06 PM
Sunday, November 29, 2009
i mentioned before that i am Daddy's girl.
my Dad spends lavishly on me, something my siblings never hesitate to point out, the latest being a Braun Buffel wallet; long black and sleek as a stretch limousine.
i have in return my elaborate lies, which makes me feel i will eventually lose this wallet too because i generate metric tonnes of bad karma from being such a terrible person. only there's no such thing as a karma cycle, your karma is predetermined since you were born, and sticks with you 4 lifez. that explains stuff, like why my life abides by Murphy's Law. it fits.
i want to tell him to stop buying me things because i don't deserve anything.
currently reading: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
heading to the library later to borrow guide books to Beijing (my confirmed travel destination since there are no flights available for anywhere else :<).
one with lovely glossy pages and picturesss.
"What good is a book without pictures..?"
sometimes i can't believe the meat that i am stuck with.
she's not here @
9:32 AM
Monday, November 23, 2009
hello.
i havent been here in a long time, because i lost my laptop.
i've come to terms with it, although i still cannot forgive myself
i probably never will.
it's been a month and my parents are unsuspecting.. (this allows me to ponder myself silly if i could save enough money to replace my lost laptop before they discover, but a quick risk assessment tells me it's an idiotic idea because i would need a few years.)
i should account for my time since 10 November.
OP went brilliantly, my group was brilliant all of us except the Q&A was a little bumpy.
mah jong+bridge at sheena's right after, where all my luck diffused across the table to wei ren and it got sickening... we fell asleep by witching hour.
afterwards, there is a big blank in my memory(i get these) but since i lost my laptop, part of the scheme was to avoid behaving furtively and so i spent all my time at home pouring over books books books.
i got my library card made, sleek piece of plastic with rounded edges that 'plonked' out from the e-kiosk...
in two weeks i read:
Engelby by Sebastian Faulks
Sputnik Sweetheart by Haruki Murakami
Crush Richard Siken(i ordered this from kino and it finally arrived!)
Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll
Currently reading:
A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami
i also keep a notebook now, to jot down my thoughts and questions.
writing keeps me sane, though i admit that i am by no measure eloquent and am severly limited in my expression..
i feel like i have finally caught up with myself, like my mind has finally aligned itself with my soul.
it's a tranquil feeling, although part of being me is that i sometimes suspect i'm vanishing, like in Looking- Glass Land, where people look right through me and my movements become gusts of mischevious wind.
i am also trying hard to keep my hair on my head, trying hard to suppress a scream, trying hard to look ahead and not down at the minute pixels of assorted buildings from the freakish height of which my tightrope is elevated. as much as i fit my shoes, my life is still a labyrinth hybrid with Hogwarts' shifting stairs. i inch forward precariously, careful not to get too absorbed with the mesmerizing view. it's hard, though, and so i always fuck up.
during the period of my online absence, i've done so much yet so little, thought of so much yet of nothing at all. but from now i will have to start on schoolwork(:<) and so end my lax lifestyle..
Unkle Bob sings in my head.
i see you, you see me, differently
you tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again
"I'm taking a chance on the wind. I'm packing all my bags
Making a mistake i gotta make and i am glory-bound."
she's not here @
2:32 PM
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
OP tomorrow!! how exciting. it'll be a blast, and i think we're rockin'. :D
the end, the beginning, they're the same because we're caught in a circle dears
she loved two things in the world:
1) her long dark hair
2) how she can cut it off and feel nothing
the strange, unbearable feeling of nothingness.
you are in a bus, it's trolling along the highway.
Anna Nalick sings sweetly in your ear
she blames you for her misfortune and you take it all in.
you are bruised and battered and your nose is smashed into a bloody mess.
hush now, we are all in a boxing match, this is how it must be.
we love you. we really do.
on a lighter note (for balance),
1) i am saving up for my doc. marts! :D
2) i now know which fb stick to buy! (thanks to a dream revelation wo-ahh)
3) taka kino is my favourite bookstore! i splurged a 200 there just two weeks ago..
loads of time now to finally do the things i've been putting off for ages.
nice feeling for a change:)
she's not here @
12:25 PM
Monday, November 02, 2009
1
An all-night barbeque. A dance on the courthouse lawn.
The radio aches a little tune that tells the story of what the night
is thinking. It's thinking of love.
It's thinking of stabbing us to death
and leaving our bodies in a dumpster.
That's a nice touch, stains in the night, whiskey and kisses for everyone.
Tonight, by the freeway, a man eating fruit pie with a buckknife
carves the likeness of his lover's face into the motel wall. I like him
and i want to be like him, my hands no longer an afterthought.
5
It wasn't until we were well past the middle of it
that we realised
the old dull pain, whose stitched wrists and clammy fingers,
far from being subverted,
had only slipped underneath us, freshly scrubbed.
mirrors and shop windows returned our faces to us,
replete with the tight lips and eyes that remained eyes
and not the doorway we had hoped for.
His wounds healed, his skin thicker than before,
scars like train tracks on his arms and on his body underneath his shirt.
--Richard Siken
she's not here @
4:48 PM
life has encountered a slippery slope.
nothing majorly life-threatening, but i have had a record-breaking consecutive number of rotten days now. waiting for some traction...
do not get comfortable.
be forever on guard; the lapse of a single second causes something valuable to slip through my fingers.
the kindness of man is not worth believing.
it is not worth believing.
this is the hardened way of my world
Too Damn Hip:
"He and Richards both had it: this total sense of self-possession. If you locked eyes with them, you'd always be the first to be lowering your gaze because theirs was always so steady and intense it just ultimately seemed to bore through you. That's why these guys were going to survive even this hideous drug waterloo with Keith and go on to prosper into old age as rock'n'rollers, whereas a walking casualty like Elvis - a punk loser who never fully comprehended the vast charisma and talent the good lord entrusted in him and so was led by fools and flatterers - would fall into a drug-fuelled demise straight down to the grave with half his life still ahead of him. They were just too damn strong and too damn hip." - Nick Kent, "Twilight in Babylon: The Rolling Stones After the Sixties"
need that rockstar attitude!
she's not here @
2:52 PM
