Crush

Thursday, July 31, 2008

my biology teacher was teaching us about genetic variation today.
"genetic mutation may be good and bad, but usually it ensures the better survival of the future generation of a specie. also, sometimes, it creates an evolution..."

i resisted the temptation of asking her if she believed in God.

***
'Tis the land of lost content
i see it shining plain
the happy highways where i went
and cannot come again

'Twas, though, never a longing
only the presence of absence
by which nostalgia- through tinted lenses-
make things rosier be

my shooting star came and i, i wished it away.

she's not here @

10:40 PM

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

the sense of loss often leaves one disoriented.
i am a fool to push you away, but i am loath to make you wait.
i do not believe i am the happiness you seek.
my days seem emptier now,
but it is necessary, it was a decision i made.
and i cannot regret that.
time does not heal, but it allows one to get used to things.
patience, my friend. :)
and i am truly sorry..

imogen heap- let go

i wrote my own tragedy

she's not here @

7:01 PM

Sunday, July 27, 2008

'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

2 weeks to prelims,
2 months to 'O's!!!
s(h)ave me. :(((

just realized that i forgot to upload RHD pics into my com.
will post pics soon! i suppose i can afford to waste half an hour on blogging one/two/three times a week.... can i?

breaking dawn out on 4th august! pre-order at any bookstore and enjoy a 25% discount :)

i have to go to school on national day because i have to receive some award. >.<

arghhh two weeks. but then again. :(

edward where are you. :(
:(((( my days will not get better. it will keep getting worse, until perhaps after 'O's.
then it will get better, temporarily.

"let freedom ringggggg!"

she's not here @

2:20 AM

Thursday, July 24, 2008

here are some beautiful excerpts from 'a home at the end of the world' by micheal cunningham.
multiple narrators, well-developed characters, brilliant and witty. a good read. :)

' but still, i'd expect by this time of life to have developed a more general sense of pride in my larger self. i'd thought i'd be able to say, if somebody asked me, just exactly what i was doing in the world.'
- clare

'"what i'd really like," i said, "is to know what happened to me. why cant i seem to make a living for myself?"
" what happened? you were there, you must have seen it. i keep thinking there must be something i dont remember. i've got a decent job, i have lovers and friends. so why do i feel so numb and separate? why do i feel like a failure? did you do something to me? i wont hold it against you. i just need to know."'
- jonathan, speaking to his father

'they(lights) were like holes punched in the night, leaking light from another, more animated world. for a moment i could imagine what it would be like to be a ghost- to walk through a silence deeper than silence, to apprehend but never quite reach the lights of home.'
- jonathan

' we didnt find necessary things to say to each other. i was no talker. i took things in, but couldnt give them back again, transformed, as a language. jonathan had enough voice for both of us. now there were silences that reached no logical ends.'
- bobby

'perhaps we dont recover from our first loves. perhaps, in the extravagance of youth, we give away our devotions easily and all but arbitrarily, on the mistaken assumption that we'll always have more to give.'
- jonathan

'the landscape touched you with its fertile kindliness, but didnt change you in any way. it never threatened to break your heart.'
- jonathan

'sitting on its four overgrown acres, the house answers the elderly mountains. it, too, is docile and worn smooth. it has been humbled by time.'
- bobby

'"hey, sweetheart, whats the matter? just a little fit of existential despair?"'
- clare, speaking to baby rebecca

'i nodded, and stroked rebecca's hair. i wondered if she might feel the tension and start crying. but she babbled on, undisturbed. our inner deceits dont create much residue in this world.'
- clare

' we walk out onto the porch and stop at the rail, looking into the deep black like two passengers on an ocean liner. on moonless nights this house could be afloat; it could be sailing through space. all that offers itself from the surrounding night is a starfield and the restlessness of trees.'
- bobby

'"oh, bobby. i wanted to be part of something that wasnt dying."
"you are."
"no i'm not. i thought i was, but really, i'm not."
- jonathan, speaking to bobby

'all we can see is alfalfa. crickets make their racket and mosquitos swarm around our heads, unable to beileve their luck. we stand there in a starry, buzzing darkness complete as the end of the world.'
- bobby

'there is beauty in the world, though its harsher than we ever expect it to be. its as unlike the autumn farm on my family's dining room wall as a bone is unlike a man or woman. as the blue silhouette of the house appears ahead of us i remember that home is also a place to escape. this is ours; we have it to run from and we have it to return to.
its black enough right now to see the future- the cold mornings and the long nights, the daily music. jonathan and i are here to maintain a present, so people can return to it when their futures thin out on them. we've been on our way here for a long time.'
- bobby

she's not here @

8:22 PM

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

inflate, lungs.

Sometimes i wish i would just accidentally die, since i'm much too cowardly to kill myself, yet much too cowardly to live.

my dark circles are ridiculous.

she's not here @

11:48 PM

Monday, July 21, 2008

why the fuck should i cater to the petty whims and fancies of everyone when in the end, all they do is take me for granted..

i dont deserve this.

woke up late and felt like death.
music emanates from the speakers of my handphone, gawd i havent slept.
bio spa skill three, racial harmony day, half day off!
people walked in throngs of similarly dressed others, seemingly too embarrassed to stand alone.
applaud the brave souls who actually traveled to and from school in their ethnic get up.
this year's racial harmony day seemed like a rushed, impromptu event.
as per recent trends, the enthusiasm dwindles as our years in secondary school drags on to the fourth.
not much of an atmosphere.
the jumble sale was, as predicted, mostly a flop.
why would anyone want to purchase items that you yourself dont want.?
mustafa, mee goreng, sheesha, humus after school.
egyptian food is cool shit. next i will try greek/jewish food! YEAH.
shared our mutual dislike for people in general, and the chimera of fairness in this world.
if you're looking for fairness, man you're looking at the wrong species. wrong place. wrong world.
being around people for prolonged periods of time exhausts me.

pictures of CHMA, RHD etc soon! :)

inconsolable

she's not here @

8:45 PM

Sunday, July 20, 2008

being irrational is like claiming you can brave the stormy seas without a float.

i now know why i enjoy indulging in the beauty of nature, sky- watching, and various solitary activities.
nature stands like history itself, timelessly watching the world go by in slow motion.
appreciating something much larger than your insignificant self is comforting.
not only that, but also because these things dont annoy you.
people happen to be the greatest cause of emotional upheaval.
the absence of people around you is so calming at times.
and yet, we cannot deny our endless need for human touch.
loneliness is probably worse than death, like an inexorable internal black hole; a vacuum that sucks your life out from the inside,
till you collapse into yourself.
Humans are the greatest irony of it all.

we never know what we want.

'he remained annoyed with himself until he realized that not knowing what he wanted was actually quite natural.
we can never know what we want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.'
' there is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. we live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. and what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself.?'
- The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

she's not here @

5:29 PM

Thursday, July 17, 2008

so few come and not go.
won't you be the one i'll always know.?

help, i am condemned to eternal unrest!
insomnia latches onto me like a child clinging onto his favourite soft toy..
and dont allow the disguise of a good Samaritan to fool you;
sleep does not provide me with any form of reprieve, i'd wake up feeling more tired than ever.
i need the constant replenishment of caffeine in my bloodstream.

aside with my petty self- absorbed rants!

Firstly, yesterday marked the end of Volleyball C Div Nationals, as well as Track&Field Nationals.
CONGRATULATIONS to the Volleyball team for defeating strong opponent Nanyang Girls to clinch the Championship title!!! it was one hell of an exciting match, i hope our endless crescendo of cheers aided in spurring you guys on. :)))
CONGRATULATIONS to T&F C Div, for clinching the Championship title as well!!! you guys put up an impressive fight against rival schools such as Nanyang(again), sports school, PLMGSS etc...
B Div girls, although you guys only clinched the fourth position, dont feel too discouraged!!! as long as you girls have given your best, thats all that matters. keep the passion alive :)))

Secondly, CONGRATULATIONS MR SNG ON YOUR FIRST BABY BOY(due in november)!!!
be a good father. ha ha
Josiah Nathaniel. wow.
eh, whats his chinese name.? :D

she's not here @

6:29 PM

Sunday, July 13, 2008

BIG SHOT SCREAMING PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE SKY HE SAYS GIVE IT UP BOY GIVE IT UP OR YOU'RE GONNA DIEEEEE

k forgive me, it has been an awesome weekend(so far) and i'm a happy girl. :)
Juno on friday, let me narrate saturday.
haha. had some funky jap food at Shokudo, i had ebi(prawn) tempura spaghetti, while ken had TOFU cheesecake, cabbage soup, some salmon salad thing and iced coffee that all came in the wrong order anyway.. the dessert came first! ha ha
watched hancock!
went to hmv in heeren and looked at funky artistes and albums with really cooool cover art,
then headed to borders to meet jolynnn (love you babe)
had a beer, walked to forum (or smth.?) and guess who i saw! my guitar teacher spencer goh ha ha ha :D he 'biang' me.
toys 'R us-ed, then went to thewateringhole at far east for some more boooze.
hwah! beer, magaritas, long island tea, and bourbon(some nice guy bought me and jolyn a drink :D) dont fucking mix. x_x

she's not here @

2:01 AM

Friday, July 11, 2008

what's another word for desperate.?

she's not here @

12:39 AM

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

i missed my bus on the way home just now and i felt a touch of irritation.
i am NOT going to wait half and hour for a ten minute bus ride.
instead, i decided to take a short jaunt home!
it has been a long long time since i've walked home, i have never relished the thought.
i pushed open the exit door;
warm air never felt so refreshing before.
and thus, i began walking towards the sun.

as i walked down the yellow brick road dotted with neatly pruned trees at regular intervals, a scenery of lush greenery, vast empty fields, and an azure blue sky with wisps of white scrolled by.
at that point of time, covered by a blanket of warmth, life was near perfect.
i couldn't stop myself from smiling. :)
it was heartwarming, and all things felt possible.
and then i realised, i have been afraid to dream.

why, why are we afraid to dream?
" But only in their dreams can men be truly free.
'Twas always thus, and always thus will be."
- John Keating, Dead Poets Society

we are bound by shackles and iron balls to the persistent illusion of reality.
we hold ourselves prisoner to this endless war against ourselves.
we have the power, but we do not set ourselves free.

it is this masochistic act we inflict upon ourselves that is causing us to drown,
like an anchor that halts our progress.

boys and girls! look out the window, miss the bus!
it's a beautiful world out there.
and often in our haste for comfort and convenience do we miss the enigma of nature, of the world around us.
the world seeks our constant rediscovery.
as MM Lee Kuan Yew said, "Stay interested in the world."
or else, might as well be dead! :)

life, can be so randomly beautiful.

she's not here @

6:52 PM

Monday, July 07, 2008

false.
you false people say you're trying to understand.
a pretense.
guilt drives one to do and say extraordinary things in a bid that perhaps one can gain forgiveness, and sleep better at night.
too bad, suckers.
and you will never understand.
because you perceive everything with judging eyes and a stagnant mindset.
you do and say things without thinking, then regret them later on and realize that its too late.
your conscience does not set you free.
it reigns you in like a prisoner locked in a too small cage, and starve you.
the cage shrinks by the day.
claustrophobia seeps in...
such lousy human beings

i do understand that parents are but humans who have to learn to adapt to a new and different lifestyle.
but you've got no excuses now
you've been at this for over a decade.
you screwed up with the first, and now you're making the exact same mistakes with me.
they say history repeats itself.
i say people never learn. and people dont change.
dont dare me, dears.
for i will not do something as mild as run away.
i will disappear.

she's not here @

10:04 AM

Thursday, July 03, 2008

sweet cheeeez :p

people with a guilty conscience are fun to watch

she's not here @

12:01 AM

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

shoot an apple off my head

i think i will be taking a short hiatus off blogging,
till at least after this week when art coursework finally ends!!!
friday is in two days time.
once again, ambivalence. :\
but i have no one to blame, i am a lazy procrastinating fucker who deserves to die.
my canvas is almost complete! i am only left with the blue blue sky..
strive on, folks. :)
strive on, me.
i am still trying my very best to convince myself that this shit will all be worth it in the end.
ms teh seems absolutely sure, but i know that that is because she has no choice but to advocate for her own beloved subject.
i need reassurance.
i need someone to tell me its going to be worth it.
i know that it will be , but somehow when i tell it to myself my mind refuses to register.
insecure freak
ew, why am i like that!
i'm a foreigner in my homeland,
a stranger amidst a sea of familiar faces.
just another face in the crowd,
just another brick in the wall.
the weak ones are there to justify the strong
on which side of the fence are you going to stand.?

she's not here @

9:55 AM