Wednesday, September 30, 2009
during these trying times, we depend on good music to stay our heads.
it's always good music that saves the day. and God, of course, except God says nothing back.
(please click to enlarge for full effect)
Derek James
one can see how liberating music must be for him.
patti foerster photography
she's not here @
9:29 PM
Thursday, September 24, 2009
two twenty one a.m.;
sleep escapes from me like a tantalizing antelope preyed upon by a starving lion, lithe and fast and always near grasp, yet always pulling away from the lion's ravenous mouth. a tiresome chase.
it is times like these that i wholly appreciate having a room to myself, where i can seek a good cry without prying eyes. i have admitted my human weakness, that i am simply not strong enough to survive without belief. i cannot forgive myself.
she's not here @
2:21 AM
Sunday, September 20, 2009
It's now:
seventeen oh seven hours. in light of the festive occasion, Selamat Hari Raya to all my muslim friends! another thing to celebrate today: Happy Twentieth Birthday Michelle!while everyone is out and being somewhere, i am sitting slumped before my computer and a stash of neglected papers, sinking back into the murky waters of sad uselessness. i hate how i always feel inadequate. my brain might have lost some function due to under-utilization, the thing is, i will never know now. my mind is idling idlinggg my revision is straggling and also retarding. that is the dangerous part. the most dangerous part is that my soul is tired of hanging out with a boring body with little social activity such as mine, and is hence thinking of departing.
i just received a movie date, oh yes please:D
i love the human clock! i can sit here all afternoon clicking the pictures cataloged by country of origin one by one, hurrying to see them all before the expiry of sixty seconds whereby a new set of pictures are generated. some are obviously human- created, but there are others that are lovely coincidences:) the best part is that the pictures are from around the globe, all the interesting places i wish to visit someday! hehe. if you are a travel junkie+photography addict+appreciator of artistic expression, you will love the human clock as well:)
humanclock.com
she's not here @
5:07 PM
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Blower's Daughter, originally by Damien Rice
Plane, originally by Jason Mraz
ANTHONYYYYYY!!!!(embarrassing fan-girling.. hehe)
awesome awesome natural good looks+voice, stare into his dreamy eyes as he stares into the diagonal distance. ha ha ha!
Drain the veins in my head
Clean out the reds in my eyes to get by security lines
Dear x-ray machine
Pretend you don't know me so well
I won't tell if you lied
Cry, cause your droughts been brought up
Drinkin' cause you're lookin so good in your starbucks cup
I complain for the company that I keep
The windows for sleeping rearrange
When I'm nobody
Well who's laughin now
I'm leaving your town, again
And I'm over the ground that you've been spinning
And I'm up in the air so baby hell yeah
Well honey I can see your house from here
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn
Damn, I should be so lucky
Even only 24 hours under your touch
You know I need you so much
I cannot wait to call you
And tell you that I landed somewhere
And hand you a square of the airport
And walk you through the maze of the map
That I'm gazing at
Gracefully unnamed and feeling guilty for the luck
And the look that you gave me
You make me somebody
Oh nobody knows me
Not even me can see it, yet I bet I'm
I'm leaving your town again
And I'm over the ground that you've been spinning
And I'm up in the air, so baby hell yeah
Oh honey I can see your house from here
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn
You keep me high minded
You get me high
Flax seeds, well they tear me open
And supposedly you can crawl right through me
Taste these teeth please
And undress me from the sweaters better hurry
Cause I'm heating upward bound now
Oh maybe I'll build my house on your cloud
Here I'm tumbling for you
Stumbling through the work that I have to do
Don't mean to harm you
By leaving your town again
But I'm over the quilt that you've been spinning
And I'm up in the air, said baby hell yeah
Oh honey I can see your house from here
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
she's not here @
10:48 PM
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Let me tell you about my paranoia.
Let me tell you about how i am forever sick with grief, sick with worry that the sheep will swallow the rose under my watchful eye
because i cannot protect it.
i wish i could use a glass jar, a place i could make safe, but the rule is that i cannot and the rose is doomed to die.
Let me describe to you a heart attack.
Let me describe to you the sudden spasm that knocks the wind out of your lungs and squeezes the blood into your head,
the fire at the back of your eyeballs.
it creeps up behind you and stabs- till your face is contorted into a demonic mess.
i wish i knew how to resuscitate, poor strangled heart, but the truth is that i never had a heart attack.
Let me tell you about how everything is unsettling, how the ground sometimes roll up like a carpet enfolding me in, how the stars whisper your name....
Let me tell you about my paranoia.
Let me take you there.
she's not here @
9:55 PM
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
"The words
frozen. The creatures frozen. The plum sauce
leaking out of the bag. Explaining will get us nowhere.
I was away, I don’t know where, lying on the floor,
pretending I was dead. I wanted to hurt you
but the victory is that I could not stomach it. We have
swallowed him up, they said. It’s beautiful. It really is."
i cannot recall what i had in mind to blog about, so i shall proceed to my (endless) whimsical (incoherent) babbling.
chat with grandma(paternal), cousin, drey, aunt jen, uncle alson butting in occasionally, dad at later parts last saturday taught/reminded me about a thing or two.
tear glistened in my grandma's eyes as she spoke to me about how we have to cherish life and every opportunity to study.. it seems a very cliched thing for grandparents to tell their grandchildren, but i learned only then that my grandma's dad was killed in a hit-and-run (a van collided with the motorcycle he was riding) when she was only 9 and my heart went out to her. especially because in the past, families slog their butts off for a measly wager and men were typically the breadwinners. my grandma had to quit school(she was intelligent, and a very diligent student) since her mother was too ill to work so they had no money, and started working at 13years- old to feed her four younger brothers..
life has been pretty rough on her.. i love my grandma very very much:) i imagined her death once and it shocked me into tears.
i also learned the truth behind an incident regarding my grandma's old neighbour. i still remember that night we were huddled in my grandma's room, windows shut door shut, hush, hush, the adults moving in hurried, frantic steps, whispers whimpers the little children cannot know of what is happening, we cannot interrupt when the grown ups are speaking. i should not disclose it here, but it was very sad. a brilliant mind destroyed by madness.. (Ginsberg reference unintended)
my mother told me quite nonchalantly that she had two miscarriages before me. ("oh my god are you serious.?", "yes i am, that's why i want your sister to drink these herbal things to strengthen her womb since she's been getting cramps during her periods but she wouldn't listen she never listens")
maybe that is why i was daddy's precious girl, but how her heart must have spilled onto the floor when she saw that i wouldn't speak, wouldn't call out to her, wouldn't laugh and play like my endearing sisters. i wouldn't return her affection, i shied away from the warmth of her soft dry palms every time she tried to hold my hand. i know now what an admirable woman my mother is, and i will spend my entire life making it up to her..
she's not here @
12:37 AM
Monday, September 14, 2009
Unkle Bob- Bad Dream
it is harder admitting a fall
than pretending you're strong and tall
what i see is you holding it in
there's water around you that you cannot swim
i'm in the middle of a bad dream, a bad dream
it's taking over me
and every time i try to let it go, it wont let go
there's something stopping me
if God would take his temperamental hands away, his hands away from me
if God would take his temperamental hands away, his hands away from me
all this thinking i don't know if it's good
thinking things i don't know if i should
we're still young we've a lot to learn
got to get by oh you got to get by
i'm in the middle of a bad dream, a bad dream
it's taking over me
and everytime i try to let it go, it wont let go
there's something stopping me
if God would take his temperamental hands away, his hands away from me
if God would take his temperamental hands away, his hands away from me
i'm in the middle of a bad dream
if that's what you call it, a dream
she's not here @
10:26 PM
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Chantal, this is for you(ha ha;) :
"- I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me. My love's not impersonal yet not wholly subjective either. I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts, my emotions, as that person. But i am not omniscient. I have to live my life, and it is the only one I'll ever have. And you cannot regard your own life with objective curiosity all the time..."
-- Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
i should really put my mind down to writing my ki essay. i know about Kant now, goddamn, he is a genius. crazy, crazy man. his ideas might have cost him his head back then, because they are akin to a Copernican Revolution in the philosophical world. he makes Locke and Hume sound naive. my, my.. i cannot imagine such a dangerous man with such mind-blowing brilliance.
feeling stoned and dreading school tomorrow, i feel close to ditching the entire promotional exams in a fit of rebellion. i have angsty, riotous, violent feelings bubbling up within me, threatening to exploit the areas that are not stitched up quite right.
speaking of right- how is it that the moral sense of "right" and "wrong" are ingrained in us..? we know what we should and shouldn't do without anyone really teaching us. maybe i am speaking from the viewpoint of a grown person, but i think we do have in our hearts a moral obligation. after living for a while, we quickly learn that it is perhaps unwise to be too good(although we really should), because the too-good people always stand to lose. (i doubt our do-gooders will be remembered as one in the ranks of our Justice League, rather, a righteous geeky John Doe. am i assuming here..) my point is that while our actions are sometimes below ideal, we still do have a moral standard in our heart, and also a sense of duty and obedience towards this moral standard. what i wonder about is why..? this is where i am not completely bought over by Kant's Critique of Practical Reason, that this must postulate the existence of a God. i find this a non sequiter, like Descartes' false deduction in his Meditations that a perfect being must exist.. brave ideas though.
now that i mentioned Justice League. Marvel Comics is bought over by Disney...??? whattt..!??
what is the measure of love..?
it seems we cannot feel love directly, but what we use to gauge love is sincerity and effort.
a showing of how much this other person's happiness means to you, a want to share all things beautiful with this other person.(and then do it, because intentions, i tell you, don't even leave a residue unto this world.)
"be damn good friends and date for a lifetime but don't, ever, get together."
she's not here @
9:01 PM
Friday, September 11, 2009
it's a mad rush.
a mad rush to accomplish things, to grow up, to enjoy all the glory and honor that comes in the goodie bag issued to the first five hundred to reach the summit.
the air gets thinner with increasing altitude.
it is onion- paper- thin at the top.
heads spinning stomachs churning, the ones who turn pale from the dizzying blur are left straggling..
but you know what, it is not true that no one cares.
there are people who can take their eyes off the prize, to sit next to you till you feel better, because they know the value in slowing down.
then there are those who ditch the race completely, finding it more meaningful to rest in the secret meadow that they discovered..........
she's not here @
6:14 PM
i'm a new fan of Lady Gaga(Live only).
ha ha!!
i love how she plays her own piano, and she can actually sing, unlike many other contemporaries who lack substance and sound plain terrible live.
she's a performer, and she's very eccentric.
she somehow reminds me of Willy Wonka...
sigh. i should really start reading up on my big men and their big ideas.. i havent even started on my overdue essay, because i know nothing about Immanuel Kant and his construct of the mind and whatnots.. goodness gracious.
i have no clue on how to start revising for bio.
my notes seem so disorganised, and how can i remember all the terminology jargon..??
my prospect for promoting looks very bleak at the moment.
rolling fumbling tumbling downhill, you can't fight the gravity.
hit 'pause' quick where is it-
she's not here @
5:07 PM
Thursday, September 10, 2009
you'd think that after all these years you'd get used to it.
you'd think that you'd get used to the stale recycled air that enters your lungs,
you'd learn to let things slide, expect less.
you'd think you'd learn to give away parts of yourself without the guarantee of anything in return.
you'd think you'd become less fragile, less disoriented after each nervous breakdown,
the pain should dull, it shouldn't still leave you strangled and fractured by the force of its massive strength.
you'd think, after all the painstaking efforts you've put in to fill yourself up, that it'd at least take something to reduce you to the hollow integument that you are now.
**
SIGNS
One of the 2009 Cannes Lions winners. to me its about communication, but more than that, hope, and also love. ha ha the last part i kept thinking: dont get hit by a car dont get hit by a car dont get hit by a car.
Thanks ly:)
"Sometimes you think you don't have hope, but you keep at it, and then you know you have it.."
--Miss Dodger, Phoebe in Wonderland
she's not here @
5:31 PM
My Prescription for a healthy dose of laughter:
(Teacher's Day+ Khairiah's Birthday outing)
Khairiah, Ling yu, Halimatul and myself, Deborah and jolyn weren't here yet.. Luv you girls!!and of course:
Luv you boy:)))
she's not here @
3:02 AM
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
"i submit my incentive is romance
i watched the pole dance of the stars
we rejoice because the hurting is so painless
from the distance of passing cars.
but i am married to your charms and grace
i just go crazy like the good old days
you make me want to pick up a guitar
and celebrate the myriad ways that i Love you"
Slow Hands by Interpol, luv the Zee Avi rendition!(Sunday @Timbre crossing fingers and toes!)
thxxx neef i'm always a bubbly girl when i have new good music to listen to.
i know you said "shhh lets keep it a secret" but well ha ha no one reads my blog anyway right..!!?:)
don't laugh ok i like The Shins :/
Lift the mattress off the floor!
Walk the cramps off!
Go meander in the cold!
Hail to your dark skin
Hiding the fact you're dead again
Underneath the power lines seeking shade
Far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason
This is way beyond my remote concern
Of being condescending
All these squawking birds won't quit.
Building nothing, laying bricks.
i always enjoy long hearty chats with ly.. we are soo attuned to each other its like we have transcended the mediocrity of mind-reading to having private access to each other's minds. we may not comprehend, but we know, and it feels great to have such an intimate friend. :)
so i was told that i am so unconventional i will never marry a Chinese, because only Caucasians can understand my thinking.. (ha ha..?)
and that i deviate so greatly from the normal flow of things in general that i will land in a peculiar job that probably nine in ten people have never even heard of. "don't, Cheryl, ever sit in an office nine to five nine to five don't forget the overtime, you will come complaining to me within two weeks...."
My future husband and i will be an odd "artsy" couple, going for "nature walks", going for vacations at the strangest timings.. it's not that we're unsettled, we are but romantics and do what romantics do, we kiss while Rome burns.
Ly, you make me actually sound like an interesting person when in truth i am boring as hell. ha ha!
she's not here @
8:02 PM
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
i badly need to get this off my chest, then maybe that will soothe the furious pounding of my heart. i had three dreams in my long nap just now, or maybe it was one dream with three parts.
1.
We were sitting idle at someplace, i remember almost clearly that it was a bus stop, but that wouldn't have made sense. 'Sense' only appeals to our reality anyway, so we were at a bus stop. my gaze was transfixed onto a portion of space some diagonal distance away, before the high-rise buildings and interspersed trees. you were sitting on my right-hand side, fidgeting, anxious for my eyes to return to your face. i could see the thoughts running haphazardly in the enclosure of your mind, like blind frantic goldfishes trying to define the space behind the glass. after a moment almost too much to bear (i could feel the pressure of your expanding restlessness against my body), i turned to put my face parallel to yours. you inhaled sharply, winced, and slammed your lips against mine. we fell backwards and then i don't think we were at a bus stop anymore but what it felt like was clouds, couch, kitchen floor. i could feel the bulge of your hardened cock against my thigh. you murmured something like "don't move your tongue", so i lay, still as a corpse, and let my lips be crushed by your urgent kiss.
2.
We were pushing a trolley, a Carrefour trolley, mom dad sisters and me. we must have appeared very odd: five people pushing an empty trolley with deliberate slowness and timed, measured steps. we would not get very far. the tedium of our journey was saved by the utilization of a down-riding escalator. there was a vehement argument at the summit of the up-riding escalator on our left-hand side, i believe it was an altercation between a fifty-odd year old conservative flat- faced flat- haired Chinese lady and.... an unknown individual. a group of spectators crowded around them, it seemed typical yet oddly uncomfortable because the spectators were standing before the invisible line, encroaching the discreet space like they were part of the argument and were the ones responsible for how it plays out. we were the outsiders watching from the outside. we were not bothered. we walked on by.
3.
We were still pushing a trolley, i reckon it should be the same one, and there were smiles on our faces because we have just bought our groceries, except that there are no bags in our cart. we were approaching a down-riding escalator, i reckon it should be the same one, and the Chinese lady was still standing there with the crowd of people i reckon they should be the same ones. the Chinese lady was standing there coolly, there was no more argument, so i figured they must have moved on to a different activity because the people were moving and shifting. my mother said "don't look". i looked: coming up the escalator revealing itself i first saw a dangling string of red. dangling intestines. spilled guts. there is the stomach and there is the liver, there is something that looks remotely like a heart. a few men(with 'smug' written all over their faces like a business well done) were carrying the dismembered body of an African man; he had no legs nor arms, what remained were the jagged ends of their stumps like it was crudely and savagely ripped off by sharks. then again i don't know how i knew he was African; he didn't have a head. we took the down-riding escalator. my mother reminded me to study.
she's not here @
7:23 PM
Monday, September 07, 2009
Cold Play- Don't Panic
Opening song of Garden State, if you watched the movie you'd know what i mean, that this song is entirely befitting.:]
i like how this song illustrates (through the use of the minor key) just how ironic it is that we live in a beautiful world, yet we're all so sad and jaded..
just like Garden State, well i luv the movie and its over-thought shots.
My dragonfly,
my black-eyed fire, the knives in the kitchen are singing
for blood, but we are the crossroads, my little outlaw,
and this is the map of my heart, the landscape
after cruelty which is, of course, a garden, which is
a tenderness, which is a room, a lover saying Hold me
tight, it’s getting cold. We have not touched the stars,
nor are we forgiven, which brings us back
to the hero’s shoulders and the gentleness that comes,
not from the absence of violence, but despite
the abundance of it.
she's not here @
7:24 PM
Sunday, September 06, 2009
before you make any plans, you have to first decide you want to live.
the universe is a flexible place, and they're just a pack of cards.
there is nothing impossible that you cannot handle.
YOU HAVE A BRILLIANT MIND.
YOU HAVE A BRILLIANT MIND.
YOU HAVE A BRILLIANT MIND.
she's not here @
3:00 PM
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
"come 6 october, we will rule the world."
you're the Sun in my heart:)<3
she's not here @
1:44 PM
