Crush

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I'm going to meet Romario today!!

she's not here @

8:44 AM

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

If I fall and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me?
If I went and lost myself, would you know where to find me?

Romario, the Brazillian Soccer Star, was supposed to drop by my school on this Friday for a soccer clinic and an autograph session, but he cancelled because there was a mess-up in his schedule. What a downer.

she's not here @

7:08 PM

Monday, July 26, 2010

Hi everyone!! Let me just do a little advertisement!
A must-try if you're a fan of Japanese cuisine, also if you wish to acquire a taste for raw fish!
TOMIZUSHI at Millenia Walk level 3 inside Parco sells The Best Sashimi Ever. I dined there for dinner just now and it was pure bliss, the food-- raw, soup, grilled, even their rice-- was most exquisite. I literally tasted the sea today. I put the shellfish into my mouth and THERE WAS A BREEZE....!? the sea breeze wafted in and out of my mouth (a bit like the menthol effect after sucking on a mint), then a subtle sea salt taste oozed out onto my tongue.....
Sighhh... So brilliant. Live to eat, guys.

she's not here @

11:30 PM

I'm beginning to feel like I might have lost a sibling. There's like an unspoken agreement to avoid the subject, and no one really brings up the topic in front of my dad. Is this how Sheena feels like as an only-child? Except I know a reality otherwise and now I can't get used to the lack of FaceTime. I feel absurdly helpless and inadequate. I feel like back in GoldCoast when I was trying so hard to grab a handful of sand but I just couldn't because it was so fine and sneaky and impossible, and I ended up squatting there for ages my head spinning my feet numb. It was a complete vertigo.

I get scared sometimes by my own inexplicable changes in mood, the cyclical feelings of high and low. I think of the number of times in a day, and how rapidly I experience these mood changes and honestly i feel quite frightened. It's just so manic and abnormal, but where can i find the manual the reprogram my mind? No one taught me anything. I notice my blogposts reflect this too. I'm writing more now because I got the blogwriter app on itouch, everything is so handy these days (good job Steve Jobs ha ha,).... And saturated. That's such a great word.

I'm beginning to abandon all hopes of me ever normalizing, which is why I can be so sure that the future for me is a blank and loveless one. Now one can start to debate if such a future is still worth living? I don't expect anyone to be able to keep up with me because no one can deal with the cyclone of emotions that I am. It's damaging and inexorable and i wish it for no one.

she's not here @

1:42 AM

Sunday, July 25, 2010

At home alone. Life at my own pace, time unconstricted. A day finally feels like a day. :)
I'm lying prone on my bed leafing through Ikea catalogues, sourcing for inspiration to refurnish my room. The blinds are half- drawn so that sunlight can stream in to reset my circadian rhythm... While the air-conditioning blasts away quietly in the corner. B)
Ha ha, life sure feels good! I live for days like these.

Love Is Security, a man who blames himself first above all else for anything that happens to you, a picture of the future containing him in every frame. The question is, how much should "Love" override personal liberty if at all? And if you think about it, is it really "a picture of the future", or a picture of a future? Maybe it doesn't matter which, but take into account the brilliant things your brain can do for you.

she's not here @

5:12 PM

Omg cute. The electronic traffic billboard says, "make your way hone safely for your love ones"!

Played FIFA World Cup on PS3 today (finally!), and it is about the most complex game EVER!!! you're supposed to do 3 things at once-- change players, control direction, do an action-- and even anticipate your opponent's movements! Not to mention having to memorize the different keys for various actions(there are PLENTY!), worse still, some actions require several keys! Ha ha but it's really quite exciting and the graphics are so realistic.. Schweini scored a header today. GOOD ONEEEE! Ha ha ha

she's not here @

1:03 PM

Friday, July 23, 2010

Dear Anne Marie,

I just want to tell you that I miss you badly, I am forever plagued by guilt and sorrow that things between us couldn't have turned out better.. I don't know what brought about this episode, maybe it is due to an overdose of sad songs that I keep listening. Regardless. I wish you all the best Anne Marie.. (I don't like how I've started to call you Anne like everyone else. I hated it.) it seems that you and I both have moved on. I don't know if you have, I'm not going to assume anything. Perhaps you find me quite cold/heartless (or are you indifferent towards me now?) but I think you know that I've always been quite a cat? It's sad, when I think about it, that we're not the "flare-up-then-make-up" bimbo type (think Paris/Nicole-esque), we're just so....... Very very quite about tuis whole affair.. It seems a kind of unspoken despair or resignation? Like something died between us, and now we're so broken and unmendable. It's like the kind of sympathetic pseudo-familiarity that people give each other at funerals. Like I want to go over to comfort you and hug you tight when you look so down (almost everyday??) but somehow I feel I don't have (have lost) that right anymore. And it gets so painful, when instead of being able to confide on me when you have troubles, you have to force yourself to smile and be bubbly around me. It makes me feel that I have become your liability. I'm not good at expressing my emotions and such... But I miss you, Anne Marie, with such an intensity. I only wish I could tell it to you.

she's not here @

12:34 PM

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

It's been said that humans only use up to 3% of their actual brain capacity. This means that the rest of our brain power goes into perpetual hibernation, or is spent on myriad basal drone-functioning activity.. Maybe that is why our brain gets hyperactive when governed by our subconscious, but instead of gaining academically or even practically useful knowledge we get nonsensical dreams instead. It's not fair and certainly not our fault if humans are hardwired to be dull!!

So many things around me involve the subconscious lately; Inception the movie sparked off a massive debate with my dear classmates(dismal term) today, and Microserfs the book by Douglas Coupland that I am currently reading talks about the subconscious a lot.. I take this as a providential sign that I should try to activate my subconscious and utilize the other 97% of my brain!
With God's will, I have decided to start by improving the speed of which my brain makes associations with the information it receives. I throw out a noun and then immediately conceive two associations from it. For example,
Blue: sea, ocean
Leaf: green, sunflower

But then I realized quickly that the associations I make within 0.2 seconds are all largely visual, and well that's... sort of cheating..............
Compensating on speed of reflex and putting slightly more conscious effort, here's what I came up with:
Apple: George washington, oxidizing protection
Electron Transport Chain: office hierarchy , 6 degrees of separation

This sounds silly and I'm not going to defend myself anyway because I don't know what I will achieve with this "brain stimulation", and also because this entire thing was conceived out of boredom whilst walking my dog.. Ha ha ha

she's not here @

5:52 PM

Friday, July 16, 2010

The subject of death has been eating into me lately, I guess part of me have always been awfully intrigued with that idea, and I haven't made a solid decision to give Life a good fight yet. 18 years of toiling and the one thing that has stayed constant about me throughout like Old Faithful is my sadness; my deep-seeded depression and secret surety that I will one day die by suicide. (there, alliteration not by intention)
Haneef's sister-in-law just gave birth to a baby boy named Rayyan, who is exceptionally cute with large almond-eyes and plump wet lips. I fancied his adorable innocence through video and pictures, and proclaimed my love for babies and children. Squealing, anime noises and all that, neef and I are absolutely going gaga over Rayyan. He is truly blessed and I hope he turns out to be a beautiful person!
Child birth is such an amazing experience..

There's this, my 21st birthday, university, working life et cetera, but somehow I feel ready to forgo it all.

she's not here @

1:21 AM