Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Teacher's Day today.
i'm glad i went to visit Cedar Girls' with LY, because i was terribly appalled by the dire state in which we found most of our teachers. The teachers whom, in our time, added vibrancy to the school's atmosphere with their (seemingly) boundless energy or maintained the balance of sanity through their calm composure look so frail and almost entirely sapped of strength now. it would seem that the batches of students after us have become increasingly egocentric and unappreciative of their teachers' sincere efforts. watching our beloved teachers unwittingly shed a tear in recollection of past times, a palpable aura of weariness and despair, listening to talks of each one planning to leave within a year or two... it was truly heart-wrenching and we were loath to see them in such dismal condition.
On a lighter note, i am delighted to have met with nada and malina, my 4P classmates, Mr Kang, and especially to (finally) have a chat with my beloved teachers Ms Poon, Ms Begum and Mr Sng, all of whom are very dear to me and i regard as more than a teacher, also a friend(without permission though :S).
*** and Mr Sng if you don't send me a text message or a miss call by tonight.....!!
(i will bombard you on facebook)
Friday, August 27, 2010
Realization: Microwaves are very, very strong! A convection current at 190•C for 3 mins only managed to penetrate 1 cm into my cold (yummy)chocolate muffin, whereas a microwave at medium high for 1 min cooked it right through, radiating so much excess heat I couldn't hold my muffin with bare fingers. Would never wish to get caught in microwaves.
Current fetish: Forcing self to formulate eloquent sentences to articulate overarching/key ideas of proposed themes(E Lit), actually, well-worded sentences in general for efficacy in argumentation. I apparently find it quite a challenge now to come up with concise, meaningful sentences to form cogent arguments[quoting 'A' band descriptor here]. At this rate, an 'A' for GP and E Lit, in which command of the English language is supposedly my strong suit, may not be guaranteed..
It has something to do with confidence (and losing it)-.-
So this is how humans have evolved, we who have somehow developed a mental capacity for rational thought and to make plans for our own futures; to view time as linear and believe that we will continue to exist in an arbitrary future-time, such that we are able to sacrifice current comfort for something which in the end may not even exist.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Weiren suggested today that I might have been born with contact lenses in my eyes, since I always seem to be afflicted with contact-lens-related problems (such as stinging pain and intense itching of my eyeballs)(such that me complaining about my eye or screaming in eye-pain is now "normal" and part of the "Cheryl Experience"). If there is even a 1 in 10,000,000 chance of having such a condition, I most certainly have it because something is definitely screwed up about the composition of my conjunctivae, and my lacrimal glands are not doing a good job!
Whatever was going on in the background processing unit of my brain just half an hour ago caused me to have the strangest bathing experience ever. I, [presumably] after a "rather long" and "relaxing" shower, proceeded to wash my face in front of the mirror. I did every step according to "routine", except only then did I realize that I have only shampooed my hair! Scrambling to gather my mind, I discovered no apparent recollection of having applied conditioner&/soaping my body... Guarding against the fabrication of (said) memories, I conceded to reentering the shower to continue with the remaining parts of my daily cleansing.. Truly strange!
Monday, August 23, 2010
I begged permission to witness your paradise, with a secret mission to bring you back here, but i clamber against your magic:
The windows in your hair
spinning out worlds that endlessly expand through your vague eyes that behold
All the beauty that have been masked by human intentions.
Wandering, you say, is much more fulfilling despite it's obvious futility, that being the only way to walk every day among the chaos that we live in.
I am stung by the fumes of your anger, that's breathing against my skin-
And like poison seep through my pores in the ugly dusk- till I am arrested in a fetal position, knees tucked close to my breast, wishing away for entrance into the other world.
"Hush now, remind me how there is Love and Love never dies", you softly whisper, something like two hours after time stopped.
I remind you how there is Love and Love never dies.
You cajole me back into safety, and for now, I am fain to accept the solace of our souls' sojourn into the unknown, you being me.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Hmm I am bored. And did I mention sad?
I digress from work way too easily. It's not that I don't have the heart to study, it's just that I tend to let my emotions get a stranglehold on me. I know, I know, that now is not a good time for these things, but it is only too easy to speak about priorities and self-control, especially when the subject matter at hand is one's emotions, that are simply irrational and beyond the typical realm of logical processes. I might also like to clarify (lest you should begin to make baseless conjectures) that I am not suffering from a "broken heart", rather, a broken soul. I AM suffering from a number of damaged relationships, and admittedly they are taking a huge toll on me. But my sadness ultimately stems from my own self, my soul in protest about it's too passive host. My inefficiency in finding my soul a spiritual guardian is perhaps the reason for this internal conflict.. So I guess I only have myself to blame. But with no one to guide me and also other factors (such as my godless parents), how am I to begin? Say, then, that I'm insincere and don't try hard enough. Deep down I don't deny it, because I secretly am unable to reconcile my spiritual need with my existentialist mind. So am I supposed to forgo the latter in subservience to religion, or am I to find a religion that caters to my type? Till someone answers this question for me, I can only surrender to my turmoil... But then again. I suspect that I use my spiritual thirst too often to mask the true root causes which may simply be something like loneliness, agitation towards the lack of a true soulmate, or an innate masochistic streak. An insatiable desire for pain and sadness such that I prevent myself from being happy. This I fear the most, because it's so warped, and how can I defend myself when I am my own enemy?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
... --- ...
There. I am at my wit's end.
So I guess I never for once thought that I was the cause of your unhappiness. That was really unexpected. A surprise bullet to my chest and now it's lodged between my first and second left rib. At least that's where I think the aching pain is coming from. ah haa what am I saying?
I guess I find you disappointing, quantifying love with material goods, which seem in comparison quite scant (when it really isn't).It's sort of a "too bad you can't always get what you want in life" thing, but I expected you to be more sensible than that. Because it's so stupid, and worse of all hurtful, and I admit i can't truly forgive you. And here's the silly part: I had thought that at least amidst this crumbling there is a relationship I so deeply cherish; Now I find out that all this while I have been a villain in your eyes.
Home is a place whereby any time you so choose to return to, it will have to take you in. Siblings are whom no matter how much you hurt them, will still be by your side at the end of the day. I wish they would call these something you less deserve. But the contradiction is that I still love you and miss you and everyday wish things would return to the way they were, the way you were.
