the end of years always exert a strange power over me, i tend to be overcome with nostalgia and loneliness and memories, that are usually accompanied with some form of guilt and grief..

i'm not fond of Novembers and Decembers, though i like how they sound and the kind of wistful wintery atmosphere that i usually attach to them. It probably has something to do with the mood of 'gloom' and 'death' when things come to an end; the entire season can be described in general as 'sad', and it's only how i perceive things but i'm not particularly good with endings.

Looking back, i feel that for the whole year thus far i've been nothing but a letdown.

I've been a letdown in every aspect of school/life-- my CCA, my grades, my friendships yada

and i blame only myself (and sometimes God i'm sorry i should never).

I feel very angry (at myself) because i know i haven't put in my best in every endeavor, it's not about what i think i'm capable of but rather the amount of effort i invested in every fight.

and i hugely apologize to all my tutors and coaches who had so much faith in me, who never worried much about me because they never doubted my abilities. I let myself down and it pains me to say this now that everything has been done.

I am genuinely remorseful for being such a terrible person and i am reflecting on my behaviour.

i wonder if anyone feels more ill at ease as themselves than i do. i don't think this is some 'identity-crisis thingy', and i'm not going to do any major 'personality overhaul'..

but i will need more time to sort myself out and meanwhile i beg for your forgiveness.