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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I have to be up in less than 4 hours but my mind wouldn't stop nagging, I involuntarily pick up my phone every few minutes for some unfathomable reason. The Subconscious is tough to handle but sometimes the Conscious is tougher. The knowledge of 'mind over matter', and that it's a 'matter of perspective' does not alleviate the undetermined soul. How long has my mind been marinating in unhealthy misery to become this far degenerated? It goes completely against biological/evolutionary laws to be this unpreserving and honestly it doesn't make sense. My mental weakness is appalling but at the same time I'm too proud to give up. 'Proud weakling' has got to be the worst kind of lethal combination, it just makes me an idiotic contradiction.

Or this might just be my hormones talking.

she's not here @

3:22 AM

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I should like to disintegrate and be everywhere or nowhere.
The world is boundless but i'm contained.
A thin glass dome, little person in a snow globe except i'm hardly ever happy and it's not forever christmas.

These days I feel overlooked and tongue-tied.
I should text everyone to say how much i miss them
Mechanical routine of work/sleep, makes me anxious when precious offdays have no extra meaning.

It's hard to feel positive when sadness is my default state of mind.
If I could I would pack up and leave, be a wanderer, solitary
I never felt I was the sedentary type
I wish I have someone like
I wish someone knew me
I wish I knew what I want

This is just incoherent rambling because I read back and I'm deleting things.


I wish I knew what to do with my life, have plans, move to somewhere far away like Canada
So many foreign roads, all waiting to be told.

she's not here @

11:54 PM

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I still pray at 11.11.
I pray with all my might and try using the little strength that I have to hold all my friends together in a safe place. It feels like all of us are going through our own sad dramas, and we are all crumbling, hearts being torn and strewn all over the place. Limbs stretched and pulled in all directions like light from a flabbergasted star. We appear recovered but the deadening gloom bites our bones like leech on necrotic flesh. And i'm making it sound pathetic in vain hope that You would notice us. They say Silence is the Voice of God. Tell me the Truth is not a paradox. I wish i had the strength to hold in a tight bundle all who are dear. I wish we were all safe together.

she's not here @

11:13 PM