Crush

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I'm not safe even in my own head.
So maybe I'm waiting for someone to read my mind. I know that's not right, but it'll be nice to have someone whom, beneath my clown act, can tell that I'm not alright inside. Being able to identify my moods is not enough... "I know you're angry, I know you're sad.."
afterwhich we both stand, helpless, both wishing there was something that could be done.

I wish we went for supper today. Because in an odd way, being around you cheers me up.
Although we're brothers and I behave like a retard around you, your presence is a comfort...
And the alternative to being a clown is being a pathetic sop.

I'd like to delude myself into thinking that I'm perfectly fine by myself. At least that's how I portray myself to be, and I also hate to admit that sometimes I'm not. I'd also like to attribute my lousy moods to my womanly periods, but I know deep down that that's just letting myself off the hook.. I hate that I sound so weak, and what a joke, when on the exterior I appear as a cold-hearted bitch.

everything is beautiful and nothing hurts

she's not here @

11:53 PM

Sunday, March 20, 2011

On my way to work today, a man sitting next to me in the train told me that I am 'beautiful'. It was so random, but sweet of him, as it came from sheer impulse to tell someone sincerely how he feels. *edit: and I didn't have any make up on.
It felt nice, and it made me think that more people should be like that. Too many people say these things with some other motive, like 'you're beautiful can I have your number', 'you're beautiful and I want to sleep with you'. It gets repulsive and I resent that people throw praises about as a tool to achieve something else. On the other hand, some of us keep mum because we feel inhibited to talk to strangers, feels taboo/ breaching the social contract. But it is a pleasant thing, to tell someone she/he's beautiful simply because you feel she/he ought to know..

Sidenote: I also found out that he is mixed French and Spanish. Ha ha.

Finally met up with Claudia after work, had a hearty chat over dinner(Xiao long bao@din tai fong). Claudia's an amazing person; sharp, mature, and always herself. Also, one of my true friends (emphasize: true). It's great how we still get along so well after not meeting up for close to two years(something I always regret but fail to amend), but that shows the quality of our friendship. We complained about boys, discussed uni apps, and I sat there thinking to myself, my she looks so grown up now. Not as how a parent looks proudly at his child, but as in awe of how far we've come. She was sparkling, in contrast with my world-weariness. Silver glittering eyeliner in contrast with the black meant to hide my eyes(in attempt to hide my thoughts). Meeting her today was great. I should like to sparkle one day. Xox

she's not here @

10:17 PM

Saturday, March 19, 2011

I'm not quite sure if my reaction now should be 'apologise', 'keep it inside', or 'don't ever speak to me again'.
In this case none of us were right but which one more wrong?
From whichever angle I look at it, I may sympathize but above that, accusations blare in my head.
YOU ARE WRONG
YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE
YOU ARE TOO FUCKED UP
DONT YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME AGAIN
pondering upon these hurtful irretractables, wish I could as easily stab you in the face with them.
The Chinese tradition prizes filial piety as almost an order that lords over our actions/thoughts.
Nothing overrides your parents' demands/commands:you can't talk back, nor show your anger, nor defy their wishes. You can only apologize and submit to them like they're fucking kings and queens.
I respect my parents, but THERE IS A FUCKING LINE, a threshold by which after you cross it there will be explicatives thrown back at you.
We are not waging war, but neither are we rag dolls.
What you need aren't children, but dogs. They'll probably still love you no matter how much you thresh them.

she's not here @

10:04 AM

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Industrial Design!

Is the course I'm going to apply for, seems perfect for me (and vice versa).
NUS open house today, I had a fun time with Haneef, and the ID majors I spoke with were amazing.
All absolutely friendly and at least they look like they have lives. I told them my grades and they went "oh, that's really good!" which made me cock an eyebrow, and waves of assurance rolled throughout my body. I'm really psyched! But keeping expectations low, just in case. On the off-chance I don't get in, oh my god I don't know. For nineteen years this is how I operate: find something that captures my interest, then that's it. Bulldoze straight in that general direction, everything else swept clean from my sight. Nothing else has any place in my heart. That means I have no back-up plans, no alternative to consider, and if I fail I'm doomed. Ha ha ha.. (i get that this is actually severe/not funny)

Anyhow, things are rather smooth-sailing, and I have several things to be upbeat about. I finally bought my Sennheiser headphones at the IT Show yesterday! Small white foldable ones, emphasize white. It looks so pretty! Good sound as well, could do better on bass, but otherwise very clean detailed sound on acoustic vocals.

This is the sound of settling. (/via @jongolia)

This is the crisp sound of recovery, it's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away.

she's not here @

6:17 PM

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

This feels good, I feel calm and sedated just sitting here, the cold night air against my skin.
I had expected to feel differently after our results are now no longer a secret, but still I am right here waiting for something to happen.
It is one thing to be anticipating, the thing is, I don't even know what/why I'm for waiting for, if only god will tell me and vanquish this horrid nagging feeling. Everything is chaos around me, the walls I painstakingly built are disintegrating.. I have but two hands/ten fingers, and the fabric is ripping much faster than I can hold together. It's really coming apart now, and I can only watch mouth agape and take it all in.

I have a playlist in my ipod named 'Illinois:', it stores all the songs that nurse my sadness. I'm not sure why I named it Illinois:, I just think it sounds... City-like yet small town, how the letters placed side by side in that manner reverbs a sound of [loneliness], picture sweeping grasslands with [nothing] richocheting off [nothing]. I don't even know how Illinois looks like, but since young I liked how it sounds.

she's not here @

10:38 PM

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Decisions, Indecisions.

This is a crucial moment, and I am afraid to step off on the wrong foot. Stay on the safe shore till I am certain and it feels right, but nothing is ever certain and how should I know what 'right' feels like? You will know it when it comes, but what if I only realize in hindsight and by then it's too late to make that call or reverse the action I took in effort to amend things. Oh my god.

Beggars can't choose. (/via @jongolia: via @tnweilin)

I like many things and I can live with a lot more things, is it important that I like what I do/ head towards a job that coincides with my interest, or perhaps try taking a hobby more seriously but am unsure if the interest will sustain. My Lit teacher once commented during a consult that I seem very interested in literature-related/abstract conceptual studies, but will do science just because it's a job.
I wholeheartedly concur, also it stunned me because I am so obviously that sort of person that others can tell (even if he might be extra-perceptive) and at that point in time I felt very naked feeble and stripped. Then again we share so many similar characteristics (like an absurd fascination with physics concepts, might I clarify, just the concepts, enough to read about them) that we had such a good laugh and he didn't say it was a [problem].

If there was something I learnt from people around me, it is that some mistakes are truly irrecoverable. Don't be fooled into thinking you can toy with this and that till you finally settle for something perfect, and that somehow life will play out just the way you desire. Before you even realize, so much Life would have passed and you are still in that same spot pacing forward/backward. The inertia to change your situation only grows bigger unless lightning strikes in midday. I don't have positive examples nor people to emulate. The way I learn, choose something and stick to it, learn to like it and suck your thumb.

Maybe this isn't working out afterall.
For now I'm feeling (quite lliterally) battered and bruised, need to buy [time].

she's not here @

3:02 AM