Crush

Monday, April 18, 2011

Archi and ID aptitude test/ interview are finally over, i would like to think that I aced them but so often my confidence is misplaced.
At least, in that aspect, I can put off my worry till June.
Can't wait to start schooling, I can feel my brain retarding like wisps of cloud that dissipate into the empty blue sky.
Picking up my novels again.
Currently re-reading Norwegian Wood, after watching the movie two days back.
The movie, what can I say, I didn't like it much.
Poor scripting and directing, switched monologues, characters popping up too abruptly/randomly.
Poignant scenes were stretched and lingering, which I felt was apt, but the movie in it's entirety felt fragmented and incomplete.
The way each scene was stitched together felt almost arbitrary..
I wouldn't have understood it at all had I not already read the book.
And so I'm reading Norwegian Wood again, risking over-indentifying myself with Murakami's characters and their wounded spirits.

"All I'm left holding is a background, pure scenery, with no people at the front." (Murakami/Norwegian Wood)

Reminds me of how I feel so utterly detached from people/the world these days.
I look at the world through apathetic eyes, like an outsider, everything filtered through two or three layers of glass, in between which is a vacuum. My friends, family, people in general are over on that side, while I am here and alone.
My feelings are suspended in that vacuum between 'here' and 'there'.
Which means they are not with me now, which means I feel nothing.
Sometimes when I try to fall asleep at night I try, forcefully, to elicit some form of emotion.
Am I happy? Do I anticipate tomorrow? Life is great!
Maybe I'm sad? Lonely? Cry!

I settle myself to sleep everynight pretending I'm comatose or dead.

"Stuck inside this suffocating contradiction, I went on endlessly spinning in circles. Those were strange days, now that I look back at them. In the midst of life, everything revolved around death."
(Murakami/Norwegian Wood)

she's not here @

2:53 PM

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

When god extends his graceful hand and reaches down to you, you ought to take it, not turn your back away.

Life is a mundane cycle of 'ok' days and bad days.
Can't help against feeling awful and miserable over [miscellaneous] sorrows.
It's a sickening feeling that I can't remedy with a quick outburst of uncontrollable tears and then feel better.
This, it penetrates into your bones like a hypothermia.

Like that scene of the final catharsis, there's laughter and fresh snow, but then the scene switches to that defenseless and ridiculously optimistic girl who remains entrapped in the palms of the sadistic psychopath. Everyone wishes for her safety, she has accepted her circumstance, but no one can rid that horrid oppressive feeling that still lingers overhead.

We're left exposed and vulnerable, heart still raw at the edges, threading gingerly on the temporary calm.

she's not here @

10:54 PM