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Thursday, June 16, 2011

i had forgotten how i missed talking to yijun.
a hearty chat with her just a few days ago made me realise this very apparently, and it was registered in my consciousness for the first time that with her, i can let my guard down. its a wonderful feeling to be completely comfortable with another person. no need to maintain a certain image, to stay cautious, as if letting [too much] of your own [personality] spill through will ruin everything.
we (or at least i) are too often like that with too many people. and that sort of friendship is skinny.
unsubstantiated friendships collapse easily, and perhaps (because i'm not exactly sure myself) 'Time' is an important factor for aforementioned 'substantiation'.
My friends who are dear to me, but can never make time for me, just slide and slide... further away from me, into a realm i cannot reach.
Friendships i was absolutely sure will triumph against the smashing of violent tides, in this way, they too became skinny.

My mind has been returning to this topic a lot lately.
I can sense people leaving me, and this makes me feel nervous.
Nervous because the precise timing of this exodus is unforeseeable, and its outcome only predict a greater emptiness, a deepening of the (already present) chasm.
Nervous at my stark powerlessness in preventing it.
There's this odd erected barrier thingy going on, it's making me feel so frustrated and nervy i'm on the edge of exploding.
it's making me so dizzy.

she's not here @

7:55 PM

Monday, June 06, 2011

I was thinking about contradictions while keying in my password, and typed in 'contradiction' instead.

Recent conversations with my younger sister were meaningful and thought-provoking, they take place in the wee hours of the night when my mind is quiet and churning. Usually the thoughts have already been turned over in my head multiple times but talking about them aloud probes me to think them over more, the need to express them in lucid sentences/phrases forces me to be clear about them rather than have broad unsorted ideas. Feels comfortable, folding [these thoughts] into neat squares and stacking them into shelves in my head.

'Alone time' is contradicting, because while I yell about not having enough of it, I feel anxious whenever i do. The imperative to face myself, reluctant, because this business of talking to myself like a mad hatter is fearful, nauseating, and no good can come from it.

she's not here @

7:56 PM