Crush

Saturday, July 09, 2011

sometimes i think i'm hard to love.
confessions leave me paralysed, and i buckle in all directions from arms that try to wrap me tight.
i don't know why.
maybe i have a problem with commitment.
maybe i just want to be my own person.
i think i am so detached from my emotions that i have become incapable of feeling for others. it is horrendous that i am so cold, so cold.

4:46am

heart pounding like a drum.
watching vampire diaries at night is so not a good idea........

6:18am

there's something beautiful and alluring about the dangerous and mysterious.
a part of our souls that are always drawn to the dark side,
a fatal human condition to desire knowledge of the unknown.

7:03am

bye-bye, blackbird

7:08am

she's not here @

4:35 AM

Thursday, July 07, 2011

drowsy without a coffee. i wonder if its terrible to allow something external control one's functionality so thoroughly.. if this is considered an enslavement, a restriction of freedom (or whatever bodily freedom we were initially born with)? but therein provides a comfort; slipping into my little daily routines, a coffee when i start my day, then i count five hours till my next coffee. and when i sip it i think: this keeps me awake, this keeps me sane.

8:08pm

so i read that one shouldn't try to write, or try to be creative.
don't try at all.
let it come to you, like a breeze across the sea, like a storm over the earth.
that's what i do now: open a blank page, and write only when it comes.

8:15pm

"there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but i'm too tough for him,
i say, stay down, do you want to mess me up?"

8:24pm

(you don't have to sympathise)

12.17am

i don't know you, but i care about you, now tell me, do you find that strange?
the way you sometimes lock my eyes and smile (twice, intentionally)
makes me feel worried for feeling a little bit special in case i've mistaken.
thinking about you more than i should, rehearsing what to say when i next see you, wondering if you'll miss me too..
i lose.

12.27am

grab a beer and disappear, with me

1.13am

she's not here @

7:55 PM

i have an exceptional range of interests, but because of that i move from one thing to another too quickly. i would like to master everything if i could.
but this is a confession that i get bored easily, if you can tell.

1:48am

'knowledge is power'.
yes, but power to do what?

1:58am

the content of a person is judged by his thoughts.
when we die these thoughts die along with us..
feels somewhat alarming, to vanish from this world without a trace.
why waste the time while you are alive behaving like someone you're not?
come to terms with the fact that the only person you can be is yourself.

2:22am

do you know where your heart is?
or did you trade it for something?

3:00am

i am dishing out slices of my heart again.
but still i remain cautious, fearful of having none left, and none reciprocated.
just thinking of how many more times i have to repeat this makes me feel tired.
these things require an unnaturally large amount of energy from me, but somehow, i never seem to be able to hold on to friendships.

3.20am

crawling back into my shell again.

4.10am

she's not here @

1:27 AM