Crush

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

When i look at the faces of people i'm interested/ feel i would be interested in, i always wonder what their voices would sound like. i find this idiosyncrasy of mine odd as well, it's not like voices are indicative of personality or character traits.. perhaps it's my idea of fun or an act of compulsion, but i always felt that a certain face type would match a particular voice and by 'serious extension' a certain personality. It's one of the things i honestly can't explain or would be thought of as a freak if i ever do try, but here it is - do you think me a freak?

There's this stranger i read religiously, and by 'religiously' i mean 'all the time like a ritual'. i don't know her, neither does she me, but i can't help feeling our resemblance and while saying this i also feel like if i were her i'd respond with a wall of skepticism being 'protective of my individuality'. She writes about her life and feelings extensively, and i think it qualifies me as a stalker to know the names of her friends. (Disclaimer : i never do this in real life) To some extent maybe i'm even envious of her because she's a living, breathing version of who i wish to be and the life i wish to have.
Now i say this with utmost caution because we are two 'alike' people in almost entirely different environments; i have good things in my life that i will never exchange anything for, but i think i yearn to have good friends with whom i can be honest about myself to, like she does. If we ever meet, it will go either way: We'll understand each other like telepathy and be great friends, or our auras will rebound off each other like electric and stay as far apart as ends of a dichotomy.
Either way, i'd just be curious to know her voice.

she's not here @

2:20 AM

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

This holiday will be a predictable repetition of previous ones, characterized by the formation of hopeful plans that never crystallize and recognition that this lack of motivation is a mark of a failure. i have enough experience to argue with anyone who say that 'being self-aware is better than being ignorant', because while the ignorant cannot be blamed and is therefore innocent (via merely a victim of his own lack), the self-aware who does not act upon his knowledge is in every way guilty. Furthermore, awareness that does not eventually lead to positive changes only causes inner torment, precisely because he knew. Perhaps it is from this conflict that came the phrase 'ignorance is bliss'; yet this is a wistful statement coined by a conflicted man who would rather stand the pain and anguish that certain knowledge could bring than to ever settle as a happy fool.

Things i planned to do this summer:
finish driving course
get a job
learn rhino
improve other software skills
read all my design books
read all my books
draw/paint something
write something
go overseas

Things i have done so far:
get a job

I always tell others to celebrate the victories and swallow the regrets- that is, after licking it with every taste bud. Remember that night we were smoking apples and drinking wine, and i told you about how i am always cautious towards feeling any form of happiness that i dare not celebrate my victories. That was the first time i shared anything like this with anyone because we are 'close' and you have earned the 'privilege' to know some of my secrets. You chided me saying that it's because i was a 'lil weirdo who liked this sadness' and i replied 'what, no. maybe you're right'. I suppose i was caught red-handed but i was glad i could finally talk about things that i guess are important to me and since then i look forward to your presence and love.

These little intervals are when you smile saying 'it's a good time to be alive', and i agree also smiling like i actually meant it.
Do you get it?
This is my affliction.

she's not here @

11:56 PM

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

great night catching up with old friends again, as always, gratitude for having these people in my life and for them choosing to keep me in theirs..
amazed at how far we've come, recollecting our best decisions in life, pondering our 'futures'.
makes me feel well sorted, like in the midst of chaos i at least have good things going on for me- good friendships, people that i will fight for with my bones. a direction to head towards, happiness in work.
it helps to form mental images of a plausible future, to say things like "it would my goal to do this and that, and we could all sit around a table like this and be awesome together..."

flipping pages of history in my head to spot marked changes in me.

it feels like i have grown older, grown quiet. quiet but not calm. i would like to know that i have 'grown' over the years, that i am even a little closer to being adjusted...
yet simultaneously i still feel like the same person with the same blackhole residing within, ever so conscious of my expiration date, chock-full of ugliness.
one day i will find a way to communicate the things that seem important to me
one day i will release this darkness and inner tension by moving the chaos in my heart into my art
one day i will promise myself this

she's not here @

3:39 AM